Peek a Boo
Apr 19th, 2009 by Anna

Hello, Site. I know you think I’ve forgotten about you, but I really haven’t. About once a month I open you up and stare for a couple of minutes. Then I close you down and go back to eating. I haven’t forgotten about you, but you are constantly nagging me so I don’t like you very much. Or… I didn’t anyway, Now I think I can face you. I think. You can see I tried to get reacquainted with you when I was kindasorta trying to get back in control. But my heart wasn’t in it. Recently, I’ve been thinking about you more and more. And not in a snide-ish sneering kind of way, either. I’ve actually thought of really trying to communicate with you again. I’ve been afraid though. I didn’t want to make promises I couldn’t keep. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to recommit.

Last week I changed your theme from the generic one I let take over a year or more ago. And today I decided I’d say hi. When I opened up my program to write, I saw an unpublished post from nearly a year ago. I wasn’t going to publish it, but I went ahead because reading it was… well… it was very introspective for me. Just a year ago I was in a very different place internally. I didn’t realize things were the way they were. Not as much as I realize them now. And I think after reading this, I might just forgive myself for making such a terrible mess of my body since my son was born five years ago. And I think I might just try to say with some umph that I’m really going to make it this time. And by writing to you, I think I’m ready to make that commitment again.

I’ll admit I’ve been testing the waters a bit before writing. I started during spring break, which is really kind of silly when you think about it. But I did pretty good. And then I went to Canada and that was really hard to stay on track. Or I thought it would be but I worked really hard to not let that be an excuse to go crazy and I felt so good about succeeding again. I didn’t lose during that nearly a week in Canada, but I didn’t gain and right now that’s something to be proud of. And then I lost a little more. And while it’s almost overwhelmingly depressing to admit that I’m only just now where I was when I first started my journey in November of 2000, I’m not letting myself get depressed over that and reminding myself that I’m nearly ten pounds lower than I was before spring break and that’s something to be proud of. And the fact that I’m at the point that I have done this before, I just have to remind myself that I can do it again. And the other things in my life – those stresses I mentioned in my post almost a year ago where I said I wasn’t in control very well – they’re so much improved. I love my job like I’ve never loved my job before. I’m appreciated at work like I’ve never been appreciate before. I’m getting to go places and do things that make me proud of me. So now it’s a matter of being proud of the shell that holds the me I’m proud of.

I wish I could say this is easy. Well, actually I wish I could just snap my fingers and be at goal and just be able to promise not be sway more than ten pounds or so. But it’s not easy and I don’t have a magic button. I’m not doing Weight Watchers right now. It was a great program for me, but right now I’m not sure I could get over the embarrassment in person to be back where I started and it would make me angry about the program to run into people I knew back when. I’m being quite meticulous about SparkPeople. I’m mostly making healthy choices. But sometimes I open a drawer to get a bag clip and there’s some Easter chocolates and they don’t just whisper my name, they shout it and I quickly eat them before they wake the children. So I’m learning to still write them down and even if I goof up the day at least I can be aware of it and make a better choice tomorrow. And I’m finding if I write it down (or rather, type it in since it’s all digital), I make a better choice later in the same day because sometimes the mistake wasn’t even as bad as I was assuming and I can recover the day. Some days haven’t been recoverable. And I’ve seen the scale jump up a bit to remind me that just because I didn’t log in the spoonfuls of Watergate salad (which should NOT be called a salad!) doesn’t mean they don’t sink straight to my butt.

That jump in the scale – it was so slight – but I almost lost it again. “It” being control, not “it” being the weight. I almost said “aw screw it.” But I didn’t. I fought the demon and I won. I won today. And tomorrow I’m going to win again.

Here I am again.
May 12th, 2008 by Anna

Pushing eight years from when I joined Weight Watchers. And here I am again. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. Ever. Including nine months pregnant. Bah. I did it to myself. I know that. And I wanted to want to keep up this blog because I knew it would hold me accountable and keep me motivated. But see, I wanted to want to, but I didn’t want to. I’m sure that only makes sense to me. I’ve let myself go. I think my husband is right in his thoughts on my weight gain – that I’ve had all kinds of stress from all kinds of directions and in things I couldn’t control. So in the one way I can control, I let it go. That makes sense. It’s a lot of who I am. But it hasn’t made me make better choices knowing this. I’ve been avoiding people that I haven’t seen in a year plus – gained a LOT this past year – because I don’t want them to see how big I’ve gotten. I’m fat. Not heavy. Not big boned. I’m fat. And I really wanted never to be this way in my kids’ memory. I’ve failed. But what’s that saying? Your character isn’t about your failures, it’s about what you do after you fail. Or something inspirational along those lines. So even though I’m busting through the same clothes sizes I did eight years ago I have the power to change who I am. I know this. The question is, will I? Is it really easier to eat when no one is looking and to avoid situations where I’ll be embarrassed by what I weigh now? Is it really easier to quickly say, “No, I’m not pregnant” before I’m asked so that someone doesn’t accidentally ask the question that will embarrass us both? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m very, VERY unhappy with my body. But I still choose chocolate. I know that my size is affecting how I interact with my children, my husband, my friends, my work. It is controlling me. So this idea that this is an area I can control? Well, I’m out of control. And I keep telling myself, “today… today I will eat right. Just today. And we’ll see what tomorrow brings.” And then it’s… “right after this cappuccino I’ll eat right.” and then “well, I decided before I could enjoy a good chocolate bar so right after that, then I’ll start over.”

Sick of being sick.
Jun 19th, 2007 by Anna

So yeah, the weight loss is nice. Things don’t taste quite as slimey as they’ve been tasting, which is good. And my stomach must have shrunk some because I’m rarely hungry. Great! But I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of the coughing and the lack of energy. I wanted to DO stuff this summer and mostly I’m laying around on the couch. This is NOT fun!

Not according to plan
Jun 12th, 2007 by Anna

Well, I’m losing weight this summer! Yay! But it’s because I’ve been sick. Bleah. Well, no let me back up. I started off okayish and then I ran into a chocolate bar. And then I got myself a little attitude adjustment and reminded myself that yeah, this isn’t going to be an easy, fun journey. That if I want to get back to the weight I was, I’m going to have to make some sacrifices. Plain and simple. So then I was crabby about it but I was eating right and THEN I got sick. I found out today that I have bronchitis and maybe “walking” pneumonia. All I know is that my head pounds from coughing so much and everything tastes like slime. You don’t eat much when everything tastes like slime. Not exactly the way I intended to jump start my weight loss, but I guess we should look at the positive side of everything, no? I do wish I had more energy to do things. Hopefully a few more days and I’ll be back on my feet… THEN I can join the gym and take walks with the kids…

I’m alive…
May 15th, 2007 by Anna

Yes, I’m here. I’ve been ignoring most of my blogs lately. It’s just crazy at the end of the school year when you work at a school. I’m SO looking forward to the summer! I plan to do most of the following:

  • join a gym
  • take a dance class with my girls
  • play LOTS of very active Wii games
  • take walks and bike rides with my kids (in the mornings, before the temperature hits three digit degrees)
  • take the time to eat healthier

I may not do the gym if I do the dance but everything else is a real plan! Did I mention I’m looking forward to the summer?

Apr 13th, 2007 by Anna

My husband and I bought a Nintendo Wii about six weeks ago. We’ve played it nearly everyday since. It comes with a sports game CD with bowling, boxing, golf, tennis and baseball. If you’re not familiar with this gaming console, it’s not all pressing buttons. The remote requires *movement* to make things happen. For example, with tennis, except for the serve, there’s no buttong pushing at all. You must swing the remote like you would a tennis racket. For bowling, you do have to press a button and then release when you would release the ball, but you also have to swing your arm back and then forward as if really bowling. And don’t even get me started on boxing. THAT is quite a workout! And yeah, it’s two handed. There’s an attachment for the remote for that.

So anyway, there’s this guy who used the Wii as part of his daily exercise routine for six weeks. Actually the Wii was the only thing he added to his routine. No change of diet, no other forms of exercise. Just the Wii for 30 minutes a day. He was active in his Wii play – you could sit on the couch and barely move the remote for tennis, for example – making sure his movements were mimicking the real play. In six weeks he lost nine pounds. Not fantastic but still really something when you consider that is the only change he made.

So I’m on my own Wii challenge. I’m trying to do at least 30 minutes of active Wii a day (Zelda doesn’t count. Nor does Mario Double Dash because that’s a Gamecube game that requires no movement. But Smooth Moves can count depending on which part). I’m tracking my “fitness age” which is between 20 and… I think maybe 80? The lower the better. The Wii gives you three fitness tests and then gives you a score. It’s not really going to be consistent though because it depends on what tests you’re given. I’m horrible at baseball but I’m pretty darn good at bowling and doing the punching bag in boxing. But it’s fun to track and it’s fun working up a sweat on a game.

Another small success
Apr 13th, 2007 by Anna

Today we had an office lunch dessert party in celebration of a co-worker’s “un”birthday. I DIDN’T have any cake. I could have had a little, and probably not gone overboard. But Jonathan and I are supposed to take the kids to the movies tonight and I want to save calories for popcorn. So I’m proud of myself for making a decision of one or the other and not indulging in either.

I’m also really happy with my progress. Not so much my weight progress since my attitude adjustment – there’s not been that much time to really see progress – but more with my control over situations. I’m back right in the head.

I DIDN’T have a pastelio!
Apr 10th, 2007 by Anna

Mom is Puertorican and she makes this… pastry – a typical island fare – that is fried with cheese inside. Kind of like an empanada but mmmMmMmmMmmm so much better. Mom called today to say she’d made some. A rare treat unless we happen to be IN Puerto Rico. More rare than bacalao but now I digress. She called to tell me she’d made some and they were fresh out of the fry-daddy and did I want to come by? I wanted to. Oh BOY did I want to. But I didn’t. Discussing it with Jonathan I realize I had enough calories left to indulge in one, but I still made a good choice not going because I’m sure I wouldn’t have stopped at one, and I’m sure I would have dug around in the fridge for the bacalao she made the other day and I would have snitched at least a slice of the pound cake she was sure to have on the counter. And while I was at it, might as well have some of the M&Ms in the bowl. So this was a great success for me. Whew!

Food Journal
Apr 10th, 2007 by Anna

I’m sharing my food journal again. I’m doing it differently this time. This time I’m using Twitter with a separate account just for what I eat. Twitter will note the TIME of an entry so I think this might help me find eating trends and habits better – when I see WHEN I eat what I eat. And of course making my food journal public will help me keep my eating in check – in theory, anyway.

I began this today but had some troubles finding a good way to display it here. I’m not 100% satisfied with how I’m doing it, but it’ll do for now. To see my food journal, follow the link above (at least it’s above using the theme on this date) that says “Eating.”

Mar 29th, 2007 by Anna

I’m having a grim and grumpy day today. And my eating is reflecting that. I have such a long list of things I have to do that I have no business posting this. But I need a break and five minutes isn’t going to kill me, right? So while I’m being crabby and pissy and overwhelmed with work and personal to-do lists, I’m eating all kinds of snacks. The only small success I can muster is that I’ve only been eating 100 calorie paks. But… well, lots of them. But that really is a success right now because every part of my being wants to go down the hall, slap 65 cents into that machine and eat me a Twix. And then shove another 65 cents in and have a Snickers. And then some chips sound really good, surely I can find another 50 cents. But I’ve had a diet drink and enough 100 calorie paks that the Twix would have been better, but I know that Twix will send me down a slippery slope of “what the hell does it matter now” and I can’t let that happen. So really, I’m going to feel proud of the willpower I’ve managed to muster today. And now I’m going to go back to work.

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