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Workout… sorta
Apr 21st, 2009 by Anna

I actually got some exercise yesterday. Did a little Wii Fit. Not a lot. I did get my heart rate up. Mostly it was the jogging in place for ten minutes. I wanted to watch regular TV while doing this – there’s a free run game that lets you leave the Wii console because you hear your steps and the time info through your remote. But Nathan wanted to watch me running in the virtual world and see who I would pass along the trail. It’s cute because any of the Mii avatars on your console can show up in this virtual world. I ran alongside my husband for a little while. And crossed paths with my mom.

I didn’t know whether to laugh for cry but after every single exercise Nathan would run up and ask me if I’d lost any weight. He was cute being proud of me for the exercises, but after EVERY one. “Did you lose any weight?” “Let’s see if you lost weight!” After I collapsed in a heap after my run, Nathan plopped down next to me and asked, “When are you going to lose weight, Mommy?” When indeed. I really didn’t know how to explain to a five year old that my weight loss was going to be gradual and he wasn’t going to notice.

While Nathan tried to be encouraging, Jonathan actually was. His little “good for you, Anna” was enough to make me not give up on my pathetic run with the excuse that it’s only the first day and tomorrow I’ll do more. I’m really good at making plausible excuses.

The scale as been steady at that one little jump for longer than I’m happy with. I’m trying not to get angry and frustrated. I can clearly see my not great choices so why would I expect an un-deserved loss? My not great choices haven’t been horrendous choices. But that’s quickly becoming something not to be particularly proud of. If I want to lose weight, I have to make good choices. Period.

Peek a Boo
Apr 19th, 2009 by Anna

Hello, Site. I know you think I’ve forgotten about you, but I really haven’t. About once a month I open you up and stare for a couple of minutes. Then I close you down and go back to eating. I haven’t forgotten about you, but you are constantly nagging me so I don’t like you very much. Or… I didn’t anyway, Now I think I can face you. I think. You can see I tried to get reacquainted with you when I was kindasorta trying to get back in control. But my heart wasn’t in it. Recently, I’ve been thinking about you more and more. And not in a snide-ish sneering kind of way, either. I’ve actually thought of really trying to communicate with you again. I’ve been afraid though. I didn’t want to make promises I couldn’t keep. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to recommit.

Last week I changed your theme from the generic one I let take over a year or more ago. And today I decided I’d say hi. When I opened up my program to write, I saw an unpublished post from nearly a year ago. I wasn’t going to publish it, but I went ahead because reading it was… well… it was very introspective for me. Just a year ago I was in a very different place internally. I didn’t realize things were the way they were. Not as much as I realize them now. And I think after reading this, I might just forgive myself for making such a terrible mess of my body since my son was born five years ago. And I think I might just try to say with some umph that I’m really going to make it this time. And by writing to you, I think I’m ready to make that commitment again.

I’ll admit I’ve been testing the waters a bit before writing. I started during spring break, which is really kind of silly when you think about it. But I did pretty good. And then I went to Canada and that was really hard to stay on track. Or I thought it would be but I worked really hard to not let that be an excuse to go crazy and I felt so good about succeeding again. I didn’t lose during that nearly a week in Canada, but I didn’t gain and right now that’s something to be proud of. And then I lost a little more. And while it’s almost overwhelmingly depressing to admit that I’m only just now where I was when I first started my journey in November of 2000, I’m not letting myself get depressed over that and reminding myself that I’m nearly ten pounds lower than I was before spring break and that’s something to be proud of. And the fact that I’m at the point that I have done this before, I just have to remind myself that I can do it again. And the other things in my life – those stresses I mentioned in my post almost a year ago where I said I wasn’t in control very well – they’re so much improved. I love my job like I’ve never loved my job before. I’m appreciated at work like I’ve never been appreciate before. I’m getting to go places and do things that make me proud of me. So now it’s a matter of being proud of the shell that holds the me I’m proud of.

I wish I could say this is easy. Well, actually I wish I could just snap my fingers and be at goal and just be able to promise not be sway more than ten pounds or so. But it’s not easy and I don’t have a magic button. I’m not doing Weight Watchers right now. It was a great program for me, but right now I’m not sure I could get over the embarrassment in person to be back where I started and it would make me angry about the program to run into people I knew back when. I’m being quite meticulous about SparkPeople. I’m mostly making healthy choices. But sometimes I open a drawer to get a bag clip and there’s some Easter chocolates and they don’t just whisper my name, they shout it and I quickly eat them before they wake the children. So I’m learning to still write them down and even if I goof up the day at least I can be aware of it and make a better choice tomorrow. And I’m finding if I write it down (or rather, type it in since it’s all digital), I make a better choice later in the same day because sometimes the mistake wasn’t even as bad as I was assuming and I can recover the day. Some days haven’t been recoverable. And I’ve seen the scale jump up a bit to remind me that just because I didn’t log in the spoonfuls of Watergate salad (which should NOT be called a salad!) doesn’t mean they don’t sink straight to my butt.

That jump in the scale – it was so slight – but I almost lost it again. “It” being control, not “it” being the weight. I almost said “aw screw it.” But I didn’t. I fought the demon and I won. I won today. And tomorrow I’m going to win again.

Here I am again.
May 12th, 2008 by Anna

Pushing eight years from when I joined Weight Watchers. And here I am again. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. Ever. Including nine months pregnant. Bah. I did it to myself. I know that. And I wanted to want to keep up this blog because I knew it would hold me accountable and keep me motivated. But see, I wanted to want to, but I didn’t want to. I’m sure that only makes sense to me. I’ve let myself go. I think my husband is right in his thoughts on my weight gain – that I’ve had all kinds of stress from all kinds of directions and in things I couldn’t control. So in the one way I can control, I let it go. That makes sense. It’s a lot of who I am. But it hasn’t made me make better choices knowing this. I’ve been avoiding people that I haven’t seen in a year plus – gained a LOT this past year – because I don’t want them to see how big I’ve gotten. I’m fat. Not heavy. Not big boned. I’m fat. And I really wanted never to be this way in my kids’ memory. I’ve failed. But what’s that saying? Your character isn’t about your failures, it’s about what you do after you fail. Or something inspirational along those lines. So even though I’m busting through the same clothes sizes I did eight years ago I have the power to change who I am. I know this. The question is, will I? Is it really easier to eat when no one is looking and to avoid situations where I’ll be embarrassed by what I weigh now? Is it really easier to quickly say, “No, I’m not pregnant” before I’m asked so that someone doesn’t accidentally ask the question that will embarrass us both? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m very, VERY unhappy with my body. But I still choose chocolate. I know that my size is affecting how I interact with my children, my husband, my friends, my work. It is controlling me. So this idea that this is an area I can control? Well, I’m out of control. And I keep telling myself, “today… today I will eat right. Just today. And we’ll see what tomorrow brings.” And then it’s… “right after this cappuccino I’ll eat right.” and then “well, I decided before I could enjoy a good chocolate bar so right after that, then I’ll start over.”

I’m alive…
May 15th, 2007 by Anna

Yes, I’m here. I’ve been ignoring most of my blogs lately. It’s just crazy at the end of the school year when you work at a school. I’m SO looking forward to the summer! I plan to do most of the following:

  • join a gym
  • take a dance class with my girls
  • play LOTS of very active Wii games
  • take walks and bike rides with my kids (in the mornings, before the temperature hits three digit degrees)
  • take the time to eat healthier

I may not do the gym if I do the dance but everything else is a real plan! Did I mention I’m looking forward to the summer?

Love that Lent
Feb 22nd, 2007 by Anna

I did great today, but then it’s a day of fast for me (Ash Wednesday) so that made it easy. But I’m plugging along and plan to have a great day tomorrow. Restarting with small goals. Like right now I’m mostly just focused on eating between 1200 and 1500 calories. When I can get back to doing that consistantly for at least a couple of weeks, then I’ll work on exactly what it is I’m eating… and maybe exercise. I really do want to get back to me. For awhile there, I’m not sure I cared that much. I guess it wasn’t really a priority, which with all the other current stressors in my life, that’s no surprise. But I’m so unhappy with my physical self right now, and that definitely influences other things, so I reseting priorities. Again.

Can’t find another excuse…
Feb 13th, 2007 by Anna

Dang… Thanksgiving is over. The many Christmases are over. My conference is over. I’m out of reasons to screw up my eating except the only truth which is that I can’t, or rather I don’t want, to control myself. So that’s not an acceptable excuse. And I’m starting over for the 1,814th time. No, really.

"Unconventional Tips”
Jan 27th, 2007 by Anna

These tips work well because almost every tip is focused around completing a small goal. In my opinion, to stay motivated and lose a significant amount of weight, you should complete many goals in a short period of time.

10 Unconventional Diet Tips: How to lose 50 pounds in three months – lifehack.org

Follow the link above to find 10 tips for weight loss written by a guy at LifeHack.org who lost 50 pounds in 3 months. That’s a lot of weight really fast, by the way. More than four pounds a week? Wow. I heard somewhere that you shouldn’t lose more than 1% of your body weight per week. That’s where the often-heard 1 to 2 pounds a week comes in. Now, I’m excited for the guy, and lucky him that he’ll never have pregnancy to slam the weight back on again. But I digress.

The ten tips are great. He calls them unconventional because he never heard them before but he must have never looked for a real diet before.

  1. Buy a digital scale. Well, okaaaaay. To me that’s a given. He suggests getting a scale that’s accurate to .2 pounds (that’s American pounds, obviously). I agree with this, just never thought to call it a tip. You kinda need a scale if you’re going to track your progress…
  2. Weigh yourself everyday. I guess this is unconventional because most official weight loss places say weekly. I’ve always weighed daily. I think SparkPeople recommend dailly. Most “normal people” weight loss suggestions recommend daily. This makes more sense to me because you can get a feel for your trend.
  3. Drink 8 glasses of water everyday. He suggests that not just for basic health reasons but because the water makes you feel more full. Again, not unconventional to me, but certainly a good tip.
  4. Make your diet public. I hear this a lot and again, I think this is a biggie. Some people will try to sabotogue your diet. Some people will try to help. But regardless, just letting people know holds you accountable. When you’re staring at the candy machine and three people in the break room know you’re supposedly dieting… well, you tend to do the right thing more often than not. Or at least pause to think about it.
  5. Don’t diet on the weekends. Okay THIS one is is unconventional, I think. The only other suggestion similar to this is from One Phat Man who ate what he wanted on Fridays only. The guy on LifeHack takes two days off. With all the problems I’ve had lately trying to get back to me again, I may just allow this. Better two days than seven…
  6. Don’t sacrifice your life for your diet. This is basically saying to allow yourself to indulge on special events so you don’t feel deprived. Good advice, but that’s what SparkPeople and Weight Watchers are both about. Eat healthy but allow yourself those indulgences in moderation.
  7. Make the small changes. This is another biggie for both SparkPeople and Weight Watchers. Making some steps to be healthier. Changing habits a little at a time. A great tip, but not “unconventional.”
  8. Gain perspective by understanding the fractions. Umm.. what? Okay, I get it… Consider that this time that you’re dieting is only a tiny portion of your entire life and it will keep you motivated because of what great things you’re doing. Hadn’t heard this with this spin, but I disagree mostly because for me, I don’t believe in traditional dieting at all. His point of view says you’re going to stop dieting. I believe you need to make healthy changes and stick to those changes – forever. Heck, that’s been my whole problem lately. So… yeah, I don’t think this one was a good tip.
  9. Rationalize your workouts. He does the fraction thing again. Points out that 1/2 an hour at the gym is only 2% of a 24 hour day. But I’ll buy that one.
  10. Have a red flag weight. Yeah, NOW we’re talking! I don’t call it a red flag weight. I call it “critical mass.” But basically it’s the max weight that I ever want to reach. Of course right now I’d just like to BE critical mass again, but that’s not the point.

So there are his ten tips. Unconventional or otherwise. He also goes on to say that he basically followed the Weight Watchers plan and invites people to offer other tips in the comments. Darn, someone already mentioned SparkPeople in comments. Lots of great additional tips and of course he elaborates on his own tips more than I did. So I thought I’d share.

This subject intentionally left blank.
Jan 17th, 2007 by Anna

Nathan, my nearly three year old, went to the ER yesterday because of his asthma. They needed to give him some steroids (at 4 o’clock in the MORNING!) and I didn’t know how much he weighed. So they carted him off and back. Anyway, he weighed right at 30 pounds. Now, I put my 31 left goal as 25 pounds. But 30 would be more accurate. Maybe more. I looked at my kid and thought – wow… that’s a lot of weight. At first I was discouraged a bit. Thirty pounds. My kid is heavy. If I have to carry him around the mall much, I’m feeling it. Then I realized how important it is to lose my kid – well, not literally, but the weight of my kid. Though some days he makes me wonder if losing him – okay, he’s two. I digress. I get tired lugging him around. How much more energy will I have when I’m not lugging around my OWN 30 pounds that I can’t just put down when I’m tired? So while I’m still frustrated at myself for getting back to this point, I realize that I need to do this. I *need* to.

Take THAT!
Dec 1st, 2006 by Anna

Okay, so yesterday started off kinda scary for me. I was way too focused on the Pria bar I didn’t have. But I did fine during the day. Then things took a little bit of a spill. Meghan begged for Taco Bell on the way home from school and they gave her two tacos instead of one, and I snitched a couple of nachos (sans cheese at least) and she didn’t eat half of her taco shell. But as soon as I got home I put in the calories on the tracker. By the way, Taco Bell has a great nutrition calculator where you can put in exactly what you ate – even sans shell or sans meat or extra cheese or whatever – and it will calculate out all of the basic facts. /digression.

So I entered it all and I was still doing good on the day. Not great, but good. And then things went wonky again. Just after having some toast our Internet service went down and I became afraid to eat. Terrified. I wasn’t sure how much left I had on the day in terms of calories. I was pretty sure I had a good 200 easy. But I had no way to find out. I was almost literally shaking at one point. It was like I was really two different people. One part of me wanted to blow off the day just because I couldn’t calculate it. The other part of me wanted to eat right, but that part of me was so frustrated about not knowing what “right” was. And another part of me (okay, so three people), was just frustrated at being frustrated and couldn’t figure out why I just can’t be NORMAL and not NEED to count calories and just eat what’s right and be done with it. So I kind of appeased all three parts and ate a box of Cracker Jacks. I ate because it tasted good and that’s what I wanted to eat. I was certain 120 calories would be fine. And I couldn’t enter it into the computer anyway, so I just tried to deal. Nathan, the brat, ate over half my box so we split another.
This morning, as soon as I was able, I entered yesterday into the computer and was thrilled to see I was within my range in nearly every category. I was under in calories. I didn’t hit fiber, iron or potassium, but I was under in sodium and spot on everywhere else. Whoo hoo! Smell me!

Today I remembered the Pria bar. And as it will be a rush evening tonight, I’m sure it will be McDonald’s for the kids, so I went ahead and entered my entire day into the computer so it will be easier to eat right and still go ahead and have some fries and McNuggets. Whoo hoo!

Do I think I’m really back on track? No, not really. Because 2/3rds of me fight for me to just eat and not care. But that third is trying really hard, and I have such a supportive husband. I don’t know how he puts up with me. So I’m going to just take it one day at a time for now and celebrate my little successes along the way.

No Pria.
Nov 30th, 2006 by Anna

I got out the door this morning without my Pria bar. Dang it. Now to figure out how I’m not going to let that be the start of the avalanche of the day. I’m really good about blowing the whole day beginning with one tiny issue. Because as soon as I realized I’d forgotten my Pria bar, I was already thinking I wanted chocolate and I’d just get a Snickers from the snack machine and well if I was going to have a Snickers I would just go ahead and have a real lunch instead of a TV dinner and well, why don’t I just take the day off? Right?

But yesterday was a good day. I almost blew the day just like I’m envisioning today happening. I did good all day and then got home and was making pancakes for dinner and I ate while I was cooking (mmm… pancake batter….) and ate the piping hot pancakes and I thought I’d for sure blown the day so I almost… ALMOST snarfed some more Halloween candy of the kids because whattheheck my day is shot. But I went ahead and entered my SparkPoints data and was pleasantly surprised to see that I didn’t blow the day at all. I was right on target. So I didn’t snarf candy. And it felt good to be right.

So why is it not even 9am and I’m already picturing my whole day with crappy foods? Today’s challenge will be to not let that lack of a chocolate flavored power bar be the catalyst for eating poorly. I ate my yogurt and my banana, which I didn’t forget. So at least I’m off to a good start…

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