Okay, so it’s an ego boost to put up this web site, I’ll admit. I love the comments on how much weight I’ve lost and I love to hear that my site had motivated and inspired. But sometimes I feel like such a fake. Sometimes I don’t post because dang it I’m feeling so… uninspired. So unmotivated. That I feel like I’m letting people down if I post. Okay, I have definitely had my share of the bad eating posts, but I’m telling you I hold back way more than I list. And if I keep up with that trend, I feel like I’ll never post again. Because I’m eating like a big fat cow. I’m eating like a fat person that doesn’t care she’s fat. I’m using the pregnancy as an excuse. I could eat healthy, but oh no. I pretend the baby is causing me to crave Blue Bell’s Good Heaven’s ice cream by the pint. WhatEVER. The truth is, I’m feeling sorry for myself and using the pregnancy to eat without conscience. And what happens then? Well, then I start feeling sorry for myself because I’m not showing (good Lord, I’m only 10 weeks along!) but I’m not fitting into ANY of my size fours anymore and I’m looking longingly at my sixes. I had to buy “fat” clothes! I swore I never would again, but I can’t go nekkid to work! I was at Mass last Sunday and I saw two different women with newborns. One of them was quite heavy-set and the other… she looked like she had a tiny little post-pregnancy pooch but it was obvious that it wouldn’t be there maybe even next Sunday. I want to be like her. And I’m NOT going to be at this rate. I’m going to be quite lucky if I get back to goal in my allowed 3 months and I’m going to have to thank the Lord if I am able to not pay for a meeting every again. Will posting this stop this horrible trend? Not likely. I’m SO good at the mind games. So… I could use a good kick in the pants from the rest of you. Don’t go easy on me. Tell me what I need to hear. Tell me again why popcorn is better than Ben & Jerry’s. Oh, by the way, this isn’t an excuse, but the pathetic truth… I have a horrible aversion to anything green and healthy. The thought of lettuce and asparagus, and green beans and peas… I want to puke. And my once beloved bananas? They have praying to the porcelain god as well. So this pregnancy truly is making it harder to eat healthy. But still… I had three popsicles today. Within 15 minutes of each other!!!

I’ll continue to post about my food and eating issues, but I won’t be posting about my weigh-ins for awhile. At least not until…. March or so. That’s about when I’ll be rejoining Weight Watchers. See, they make you quit when you’re pregnant.

Dad’s timing is really weird. It seems when I’m at my heaviest (relatively speaking.. I’m talking about my heaviest now during maintenance), he comments on my weight loss and tells me I don’t need to lose anymore. At that point, I’m only trying to lose about five pounds, give or take, but that’s when he comments. Not when I’m at my lightest. Weird.

The other day, he commented again, but he brought it up in a different way than he usually does. He still said he didn’t think I needed to lose anymore weight and that he thought it would unhealthy if I did, but he asked when I was going to stop all this “nonsense” about counting points. That’s when I realized… he thinks this is a diet. He thinks it’s one of those things you do to lose weight and then you go right back the way you were. Like the grapefruit diet, or the soup diet… or whatever. He thought that I should be finished at some point. I explained that I was pretty well going to have to do this for life – gave him the whole WW spiel about a lifestyle change, not a diet. I didn’t feel like I felt semi-recently, where I felt all kinds of self pity about having to do this. I was okay with it. Then he said something even more curious… He said he wanted me to be “happy” and that skinny people are never happy. I reassured him that I was indeed “happy.” But isn’t that… silly? I mean, if fat people are so happy, why are they always trying to lose weight?

I’m happy with who I am, and where I am. I am focused on my weight more than the average jane, to be sure, but not to any real extremes. I hope Daddy is okay with it all now and doesn’t continue to worry…

Last Wednesday, the 2nd of July, the hosting company that served out my web site went belly up. I didn’t have any warning and wasn’t able to retrieve my mail (if you wrote to me and didn’t get a response, please resend – I answer all my weight loss mail). I’d also lost my journal (which is written online directly, not created on my hard drive first, like the rest of my site). I’d backed up through April, but that had me missing a lot of entries. Thanks to a new ‘net friend, I was able to retrieve all but the most recent two entries (and probably about five comments) since just before the snafoo. So I changed servers, uploaded all my main data, and set to the task of bring my journal back online. It took a great many hours, but my journal is back online… and I’m going to be sure to backup MUCH more frequently. Whew! Now back to your regularly scheduled weblogging about weight and food issues.

I weighed in today, and guess what? Puerto Rico did NOT cost me $12!! Well, it cost me a lot more than that, but I didn’t have to pay for a meeting because I was within my acceptable range. Honestly still higher than I could’ve/should’ve been, but the point is, I still haven’t ruined my goal – to never pay for a meeting!

Yeah, baby. I’m a shakin’ it. I feel GOOD!

So I’m home from Puerto Rico and I must say I had a great time! I doubt my 16 month old will remember much, but I’m counting on my 3 1/2 year old bringing back some memories. Who can forget peeing the grass of your great-grandmother’s backyard?!

I was SO off program in PR, it’s not even funny. I decided not to beat myself up over it because it was a vacation and I wouldn’t get to experience these foods the same way again. At least not for a very long time. I did walk for about an hour every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning. And my mother and I walked the streets of Old San Juan pushing the double stroller with the girls. So I got some form of exercise.

I came home with 6 pounds to drop before weigh-in. Not really that bad. The first few pounds always come off way quickly anyway. Well, yesterday morning, I was below weigh in weight! So I blew off the day. Ooops. Bad attitude. Vacation is over. I’ll be back OP again now. I have just 4 days to get to weigh in so that I can still never have paid…

A warning: I’m feeling quite sorry for myself today, so take this posting with a heavy dose of salt – a grain just won’t do. All through my journal, and on my site, I say that Weight Watchers is a lifestyle change. That these changes are life changes. If you go to other people’s weight loss sites, particularly WW, you see the same theme. They are making life changes – not dieting temporarily. The other day I was going out on a work errand and got volunteered to pick up lunch for the office. I was taking everyone’s order and at the same time, looking up the points for the restaurant we had chosen. As usual, I had the full range of comments, “Oh you don’t need to worry about points!” “You’re still doing Weight Watchers?” “Oh, Anna, you’re so good! I’m so impressed with you keeping track still.” “You can take a day off, can’t you?” But there was one comment – a question, actually – that made me pause. “You’re going to be doing this for the rest of your life, aren’t you?” My immediate response was, “Yes, I am.” But it’s been bothering me ever since. Why do I have to count points for the rest of my life? That just doesn’t seem fair! I have coworkers that are skinny minis and they never count points! I have larger coworkers that just don’t care (or at least they don’t seem to). Am I really going to be 60 and still counting points?! I would hope that by then I’ll have it all figured out and won’t actually have to journal, but it’s been close to two years since I reached goal and I still don’t have it figured out yet. I still have to journal to stay at my goal weight. This really bummed me out. It’s not that I won’t do this. I know it’s right for my body. But the way she said it… “the rest of your life.” I know it’s not really any different that someone that has to take, say, heart medication for the rest of their life. It’s something they have to do to stay healthy. But it’s still not fair.

Okay, I only recently realized it, but I am all about patterns, it seems. I was re-reading my journal, and, like the Weight Watchers meetings, I seem to hit the same topics in a cycle. Good and bad? there’s the whole mirror thing I’ve touched on a few times, and my husband’s support . But one thing bothers me – maybe a couple. It seems I sabotage my goals unconsciously. I have a WW goal and a personal goal. My WW goal is what I call my critical mass . If I get up to that goal, I refocus and get back on program until I’m near my personal goal. But that’s where the problem is. When I get near my personal goal, I seem to go crazy. I am only within a pound of personal goal for a day and then you can see my eating go through the roof! It’s really a pathetic pattern. I owe it to myself to get to my personal goal and hang out there for awhile, don’t I? And every time I get to that goal, I tell myself that I can’t blow it. That I have a tendency to gain quite quickly, but I still do it. Self fulfilling prophecy?

So I’m on my way back down again to my personal goal. I hope to reach it before I leave for Puerto Rico on the 2nd of June. I’ll be there for two and a half weeks. I don’t know if my Abuela has a scale or not, and I have absolutely no idea how to point many of the Puertorican dishes I’ll be enjoying. I don’t even know half of what’s in them. So I’m going to do the obvious – try to stay away from the fried foods, drink lots of water – but still try to enjoy the fact that I may never have these authentic Puertorican meals again.. Or at least not for a very long time. When I get home, though, I’ll only have nine days to get back to WW goal if I go over. That’s how long it will be until the last meeting of the month… If I skip the meeting, I pay. If I’m more than two pounds over goal, I pay. I will not pay.

I’m 32 today. Well, in about 12 hours, I guess. I don’t feel any different from yesterday, but then I’ve been calling myself 32 since the first of the year. I look much better at 32 than I did at 23 so I’m okay with my age.

The last couple of weeks have been not lacking in stresses, but up until two days ago, I really have been back on program. Yesterday and the day before weren’t horrible, but I did use up ALL banked. I guess no cake and ice cream today! My birthday gift to myself is to get back to my personal goal weight and stay within two pounds of it. I’m within two pounds now, but I do want to actually GET there. I deserve this. More than I “deserve” cake and ice cream.

I got a new haircut last week and have gotten loads of compliments. They feel really good. Especially the people who say things like I needed a new doo for my hot bod. That feels great! It was the haircut that really helped me stay the course.

So there’s my ramblings today, on my birthday.

I’ve had a few comments on my posting, and then a few emails on top of that, so I thought you all deserve an update to my stress levels and how they’re affecting my eating.

As for stress levels, they are still at an all time high. Well, maybe not “all time” but pretty high nonetheless. Most of the stresses I can do nothing about so I’m trying to endure them as best I can until they’re gone.

I’m sorry to say I’m not doing that well keeping food out of how I’m handling my stress. I have good days and bad days. I’ve been having more bad than good. I hit “critical mass ” again and actually when a bit beyond that by not weighing myself daily and pretending my weight wasn’t still going up. I’m seven pounds from my personal goal, which is still below my Weight Watchers goal, but that’s not good enough for me. I’m trying to get back in a better mindset.

My sweet husband bought me a whole mess of aromatherapy products from Bath & Body Works for Mother’s Day. That, and a book called, The Book of Calm. I’m going to see if I can’t find some good stress reducers there. I know that biking will be a great stress reducer, but I haven’t found the time… at least not at the right time anyway. When I have time, it’s just way too hot…

Anyway, thanks for your concern. I’m still working through it all. It’s been a good few days at least…