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Still here! Really!
Jul 3rd, 2009 by Anna

Okay, so it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. I’m in kind of a holding pattern with my weight. I finished the 30 day challenge on Active and honestly it just ticked me off. I guess since I accidentally started it over, it didn’t think I finished the challenge in 30 days so I didn’t get a trophy for that. Though I did. Not sure why I care about a virtual trophy, but I do and so when I didn’t get it and knew I’d deserved it, well… I was mad. And I’m not going to have another 30 day stretch that I can do the challenge for awhile.

I just got back from days in DC. I’d packed workout clothes but in hindsight it was ridiculous to think I’d have or make the time to workout. It was a conference and it kept me pretty busy. So no workout. But I didn’t gain any weight, either. So… I guess it’s a wash.

I want to get back into the swing of working out in the morning but I leave again on Wednesday for another trip. That should be enough to definitely make working out NOW a priority but no. I’ll force myself tomorrow morning and go from there.

More than a little miffed that getting off the weight is so much harder this time around. Jonathan says to just keep moving my feet but it’s really discouraging. I don’t care that I’m older and my metabolism is different. I don’t care that big time college athletes are having problems losing weight (or not gaining) when they get out of college. I want to just wish it away and maintain from there. I also want to win the lottery so I accept that my wishes are generally unreasonable.

The PAIN! Oh the PAIN!
May 16th, 2009 by Anna

Rented the Gold’s Gym Wii game from GameFly. OMG. My thighs are in excruciating pain. I have to keep moving them because ift they’re still for more than 10 minutes, I’ll be close to screaming when I do move them. I just did a little of the boxing at first, but then just one single round of squats. Please. Let me die.

Scale was very nice the other day. I wasn’t nice back. Yesterday was not very good, but it’s done and today will be better. And I could always punish myself with more squats. Might frighten the neighbors with the screaming that will be coming from my house though. We’ll see.

Feelin’ it
Apr 28th, 2009 by Anna

So two days ago, I got up on the scale and before it settled on my weight, I thought, “I feel lighter.” And sure enough, the scale said, “You sure do!” It felt great. I’d gotten over that little hump and saw some results. I’ve been on and off with the Wii. Not really committed to it, but not avoiding it either. And I’ve been mostly doing good eating. I just can’t go over to Mom’s. Certainly not while her siblings are visiting and she has food Food and FOOD around! So that little break felt good, but I also knew it was short lived because like I’ve said – I’m only doing just better than okay.

Sunday we had extended family over for dinner. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Titi, Uncle Gabe, Aunt Mony and Aunt Meche. We had buffalo wings which I didn’t go overboard on and Hawaiian bread which I did. I had a few waffle fries. And I had ice cream. That was the biggest oops. And then more Hawaiian bread. And this is after already maxing my sodium on the day with a splurge for lunch of a Chipotle bowl. So yeah… I was pretty sure yesterday’s weight would reflect that not-so-good choices.

And yesterday – Monday – wasn’t great either. Because I was going to eat some grilled tilapia and maybe some steamed veggies but Jonathan came how with rainbow rice from Taiwan Dragon and… that was really good. And oh look – we have Hawaiian bread from the night before. So this morning I hadn’t gained over yesterday, but I didn’t get to see that lower number that gave me such glee. I’ll see it again, though.

I almost bailed on anything active this evening but with Biggest Loser on, I thought it would make more sense to not be a candidate for the next season. And then I got all happy again. I put on a free run on Wii Fit so I could just jog in place while I watched TV. Sure, I didn’t need the Wii Fit to do that, but there’s something satisfying hearing your virtual footsteps and not having to watch the clock. And I was pleasantly surprised with myself. I was going to set it for 20 minutes, but remembering how pathetic my 20 minute step was from the other day, I decided it would make more sense to do a 10 minute run and if I felt I could do another, do another. So I started up my run and switched the TV to Biggest Loser. And at a commercial break, because my son loves to watch my Mii running around the virtual world, I switched back to the Wii. I saw 3:08 and thought, “Geez! I have 7 minutes left?! Are you KIDDING me?!” But I wasn’t really that surprised. And then I noticed that the timer was going DOWN. I had 3 minutes LEFT. That realization gave me so much energy. It’s silly, really. But I finished my time during the commercial break (holy COW those breaks are long!) and then sat and watched until the next commercial break. And then I did another 10 minutes.

I’m writing this now and feeling kind of on a high about it. Which is silly. It’s just 20 minutes. Biggest Loser is almost over. But I think I’m going to go ahead with another 10 minutes. I’m just hoping I can find something really interesting on TV because watching my Mii run around isn’t engaging enough and 10 minutes will seem so much longer than 10 minutes…

Sick of being sick.
Jun 19th, 2007 by Anna

So yeah, the weight loss is nice. Things don’t taste quite as slimey as they’ve been tasting, which is good. And my stomach must have shrunk some because I’m rarely hungry. Great! But I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of the coughing and the lack of energy. I wanted to DO stuff this summer and mostly I’m laying around on the couch. This is NOT fun!

Wii!
Apr 13th, 2007 by Anna

My husband and I bought a Nintendo Wii about six weeks ago. We’ve played it nearly everyday since. It comes with a sports game CD with bowling, boxing, golf, tennis and baseball. If you’re not familiar with this gaming console, it’s not all pressing buttons. The remote requires *movement* to make things happen. For example, with tennis, except for the serve, there’s no buttong pushing at all. You must swing the remote like you would a tennis racket. For bowling, you do have to press a button and then release when you would release the ball, but you also have to swing your arm back and then forward as if really bowling. And don’t even get me started on boxing. THAT is quite a workout! And yeah, it’s two handed. There’s an attachment for the remote for that.

So anyway, there’s this guy who used the Wii as part of his daily exercise routine for six weeks. Actually the Wii was the only thing he added to his routine. No change of diet, no other forms of exercise. Just the Wii for 30 minutes a day. He was active in his Wii play – you could sit on the couch and barely move the remote for tennis, for example – making sure his movements were mimicking the real play. In six weeks he lost nine pounds. Not fantastic but still really something when you consider that is the only change he made.

So I’m on my own Wii challenge. I’m trying to do at least 30 minutes of active Wii a day (Zelda doesn’t count. Nor does Mario Double Dash because that’s a Gamecube game that requires no movement. But Smooth Moves can count depending on which part). I’m tracking my “fitness age” which is between 20 and… I think maybe 80? The lower the better. The Wii gives you three fitness tests and then gives you a score. It’s not really going to be consistent though because it depends on what tests you’re given. I’m horrible at baseball but I’m pretty darn good at bowling and doing the punching bag in boxing. But it’s fun to track and it’s fun working up a sweat on a game.

Moods.
Mar 29th, 2007 by Anna

I’m having a grim and grumpy day today. And my eating is reflecting that. I have such a long list of things I have to do that I have no business posting this. But I need a break and five minutes isn’t going to kill me, right? So while I’m being crabby and pissy and overwhelmed with work and personal to-do lists, I’m eating all kinds of snacks. The only small success I can muster is that I’ve only been eating 100 calorie paks. But… well, lots of them. But that really is a success right now because every part of my being wants to go down the hall, slap 65 cents into that machine and eat me a Twix. And then shove another 65 cents in and have a Snickers. And then some chips sound really good, surely I can find another 50 cents. But I’ve had a diet drink and enough 100 calorie paks that the Twix would have been better, but I know that Twix will send me down a slippery slope of “what the hell does it matter now” and I can’t let that happen. So really, I’m going to feel proud of the willpower I’ve managed to muster today. And now I’m going to go back to work.

IMified.
Feb 11th, 2007 by Anna

Wow… this is cool. I’m adding this blog entry using my IM and a web application called IMified. Let me see if I can link to it… Click Here (I think). If this works, I may actually update my blog more frequently. And it may become a tad more quip-ish. We’ll see.

Mmm…. apples!
Jan 4th, 2007 by Anna

I forgot I liked them! And I do! I love them!! Man, that tasted good!

Okay, here we go!
Nov 27th, 2006 by Anna

It’s after Thanksgiving. COMPLETELY after Thanksgiving. So no “well, it’s still Thanksgiving weekend” excuses. I have nearly a month before I can give the Christmas excuses. Well, no that’s not entirely true. Jonathan’s office party is this weekend. Mine is next. Then we have Christmas with Jonathan’s family. Then Christmas with our own family. Then Christmas with my family. I have a LOT of Christmas excuses. So I’m going to make the best of the days with no excuses.

I still have a bad attitude about it all. Well, no my attitude’s not bad, it’s just that I’m not particularly motivated. I get frustrated when I see someone thin, see how I want to look again. Or when I can’t get into my clothes. But that’s still not enough for me not to snarf my 2 year old’s M&M’s.

I need to figure out what’s going to work this time. What will motivate me to stay on course. I’m already thinking part of why I haven’t been sticking to the good stuff is boredom. I thought at first I was just a creature of habit. But I think it’s laziness. When I’m doing things right, 95% of the time, I pack a yogurt, a banana, an apple, an orange, a Pria bar and a TV dinner to go to work. The fruit only varies if I forget one or am out of one so I take two of another. I think I’m just sick of the same ol’ thing, but I’ve been too lazy to figure out something else to try.  I know I like plums, though I’m quite picky about their ripeness so I normally just skip them. I love pineapples, but they’re expensive if you want them fresh and already cut. And mangoes are good but I have to cut those, too, because I don’t like how the meat gets in my teeth when I just bite into them. So it’s mostly apples, bananas and oranges because they’re easy and I’m lazy. But it’s the same old thing and I think that’s part of why I’m eating poorly. Because every bad food I’m eating is easy to eat and good. So I know this is something I need to work on.

But for today, it’s yogurt, apple, banana, orange, Pria bar and TV dinner. Whee.

BA
Nov 20th, 2006 by Anna

It’s that time again. Time for me to get a crummy attitude. Time for me to ignore the web site and pretend that my weight isn’t a constant issue. Pretend it doesn’t bother me that I’m xyz pounds above my goal and that it’s okay that I eat whatever the heck I want to whenever the heck I want to and in whatever portions I want to. It’s time stop stepping on the scale so I can pretend I’m not going in reverse. Okay, well, that’s the direction I’ve been headed. Did I say I was back on the wagon? I lied. I picked up a train heading in the other direction. Nice, huh?

I wish I knew what was in me that takes me to this spot. What triggers me to throw away everything I’ve worked for to get to where I am? Why do I suddenly think that I hate fruit and that veggies are a waste and that copious amounts of chocolate will be worth it all? Why do I pretend that I’m going to be “good” in a day and then make an excuse to blow it out of the water? Like yesterday. It’s a Sunday. The start of the week. I’m going to be good. I had nothing to eat or drink until about 11:30 am and then I got a yogurt (good) and thought I’d have just a single serving of barbeque potato chips. Only Nathan took three or four of my carefully weighed portion of chips. So I thought I’d replace them with eight or ten more, figuring he’d eat more. He did. So I got more still. Until finally I had the bag of chips sitting in front of us and had no idea how much I’d eaten. And then I figured I’d blown the day so what the heck, right?

I really need to figure out how I get here. I can’t blame it on stress really. My work has been improving greatly and I look forward to going again. My husband and kids are well and make me happy. My house is a total disaster but my attitude toward it is along the same lines as my attitude with eating. I know that it’s a horrible mess. I know exactly what I should do to fix it. I sometimes make a haphazard effort to fix things and then when it doesn’t go perfect I go in reverse. So whatever has me screwing up my eating has me screwing up with housecleaning. I know that I hate looking at my house right now, inside and out. I know that I hate it because of what I’ve done and not done to get it to that state. I know that I almost resent my husband when he tries to fix the house or when he gently reminds me about the food – it’s like I think he’s showing off that he’s better than me. And I know – I do KNOW – that that isn’t his intention, but I get upset regardless.

So, I’m here again. And today, even though I am truly and completely despising logging in what I’m eating, I’m actually doing so on SparkPeople – where I haven’t been in over a week. And it didn’t start off so good (20 oz of gas station cappuccino coffee), I’m doing okay. And I’m staring at Thanksgiving in two days and I’m not sure I’ve ever gone to my in-laws EVER and ate very good, but I’ll try at least. Though I’m afraid to say that I’m going to try because lately I saw that and it’s a blatant lie.

The thing is, I hate that nothing fits me. I hate that I have oodles and oodles of clothes that I can’t wear. I hate how I look. And I know what I need to fix it. I know it. But I’m just not wanting it right now. I want to be in a size four again. Just like I want the perfectly clean and straightened house. And I know how I can have that house. But I can’t seem to get into the mental place to do what has to be done. And I’m frustrated. I mad at myself. And yet I could eat a batch of brownies right now without batting an eye.

I know I’m rambling. And I know I’ll get through this. I almost didn’t post anything at all. I hate posting when I have a bad attitude. How can anyone ever call ME inspirational?! But I’m afraid if I don’t post, particularly now, I’m going to be back on the blog in a year saying how bad I screwed up and how I’m starting over starting over starting over and I’ll be twenty pounds heavier than even now. Maybe if I write it. Maybe I’ll get back in the right place in my head. Maybe.

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