So yeah, the weight loss is nice. Things don’t taste quite as slimey as they’ve been tasting, which is good. And my stomach must have shrunk some because I’m rarely hungry. Great! But I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of the coughing and the lack of energy. I wanted to DO stuff this summer and mostly I’m laying around on the couch. This is NOT fun!
My husband and I bought a Nintendo Wii about six weeks ago. We’ve played it nearly everyday since. It comes with a sports game CD with bowling, boxing, golf, tennis and baseball. If you’re not familiar with this gaming console, it’s not all pressing buttons. The remote requires *movement* to make things happen. For example, with tennis, except for the serve, there’s no buttong pushing at all. You must swing the remote like you would a tennis racket. For bowling, you do have to press a button and then release when you would release the ball, but you also have to swing your arm back and then forward as if really bowling. And don’t even get me started on boxing. THAT is quite a workout! And yeah, it’s two handed. There’s an attachment for the remote for that.
So anyway, there’s this guy who used the Wii as part of his daily exercise routine for six weeks. Actually the Wii was the only thing he added to his routine. No change of diet, no other forms of exercise. Just the Wii for 30 minutes a day. He was active in his Wii play - you could sit on the couch and barely move the remote for tennis, for example - making sure his movements were mimicking the real play. In six weeks he lost nine pounds. Not fantastic but still really something when you consider that is the only change he made.
So I’m on my own Wii challenge. I’m trying to do at least 30 minutes of active Wii a day (Zelda doesn’t count. Nor does Mario Double Dash because that’s a Gamecube game that requires no movement. But Smooth Moves can count depending on which part). I’m tracking my “fitness age” which is between 20 and… I think maybe 80? The lower the better. The Wii gives you three fitness tests and then gives you a score. It’s not really going to be consistent though because it depends on what tests you’re given. I’m horrible at baseball but I’m pretty darn good at bowling and doing the punching bag in boxing. But it’s fun to track and it’s fun working up a sweat on a game.
I’m having a grim and grumpy day today. And my eating is reflecting that. I have such a long list of things I have to do that I have no business posting this. But I need a break and five minutes isn’t going to kill me, right? So while I’m being crabby and pissy and overwhelmed with work and personal to-do lists, I’m eating all kinds of snacks. The only small success I can muster is that I’ve only been eating 100 calorie paks. But… well, lots of them. But that really is a success right now because every part of my being wants to go down the hall, slap 65 cents into that machine and eat me a Twix. And then shove another 65 cents in and have a Snickers. And then some chips sound really good, surely I can find another 50 cents. But I’ve had a diet drink and enough 100 calorie paks that the Twix would have been better, but I know that Twix will send me down a slippery slope of “what the hell does it matter now” and I can’t let that happen. So really, I’m going to feel proud of the willpower I’ve managed to muster today. And now I’m going to go back to work.
Wow… this is cool. I’m adding this blog entry using my IM and a web application called IMified. Let me see if I can link to it… Click Here (I think). If this works, I may actually update my blog more frequently. And it may become a tad more quip-ish. We’ll see.
I forgot I liked them! And I do! I love them!! Man, that tasted good!
It’s after Thanksgiving. COMPLETELY after Thanksgiving. So no “well, it’s still Thanksgiving weekend” excuses. I have nearly a month before I can give the Christmas excuses. Well, no that’s not entirely true. Jonathan’s office party is this weekend. Mine is next. Then we have Christmas with Jonathan’s family. Then Christmas with our own family. Then Christmas with my family. I have a LOT of Christmas excuses. So I’m going to make the best of the days with no excuses.
I still have a bad attitude about it all. Well, no my attitude’s not bad, it’s just that I’m not particularly motivated. I get frustrated when I see someone thin, see how I want to look again. Or when I can’t get into my clothes. But that’s still not enough for me not to snarf my 2 year old’s M&M’s.
I need to figure out what’s going to work this time. What will motivate me to stay on course. I’m already thinking part of why I haven’t been sticking to the good stuff is boredom. I thought at first I was just a creature of habit. But I think it’s laziness. When I’m doing things right, 95% of the time, I pack a yogurt, a banana, an apple, an orange, a Pria bar and a TV dinner to go to work. The fruit only varies if I forget one or am out of one so I take two of another. I think I’m just sick of the same ol’ thing, but I’ve been too lazy to figure out something else to try. I know I like plums, though I’m quite picky about their ripeness so I normally just skip them. I love pineapples, but they’re expensive if you want them fresh and already cut. And mangoes are good but I have to cut those, too, because I don’t like how the meat gets in my teeth when I just bite into them. So it’s mostly apples, bananas and oranges because they’re easy and I’m lazy. But it’s the same old thing and I think that’s part of why I’m eating poorly. Because every bad food I’m eating is easy to eat and good. So I know this is something I need to work on.
But for today, it’s yogurt, apple, banana, orange, Pria bar and TV dinner. Whee.
It’s that time again. Time for me to get a crummy attitude. Time for me to ignore the web site and pretend that my weight isn’t a constant issue. Pretend it doesn’t bother me that I’m xyz pounds above my goal and that it’s okay that I eat whatever the heck I want to whenever the heck I want to and in whatever portions I want to. It’s time stop stepping on the scale so I can pretend I’m not going in reverse. Okay, well, that’s the direction I’ve been headed. Did I say I was back on the wagon? I lied. I picked up a train heading in the other direction. Nice, huh?
I wish I knew what was in me that takes me to this spot. What triggers me to throw away everything I’ve worked for to get to where I am? Why do I suddenly think that I hate fruit and that veggies are a waste and that copious amounts of chocolate will be worth it all? Why do I pretend that I’m going to be “good” in a day and then make an excuse to blow it out of the water? Like yesterday. It’s a Sunday. The start of the week. I’m going to be good. I had nothing to eat or drink until about 11:30 am and then I got a yogurt (good) and thought I’d have just a single serving of barbeque potato chips. Only Nathan took three or four of my carefully weighed portion of chips. So I thought I’d replace them with eight or ten more, figuring he’d eat more. He did. So I got more still. Until finally I had the bag of chips sitting in front of us and had no idea how much I’d eaten. And then I figured I’d blown the day so what the heck, right?
I really need to figure out how I get here. I can’t blame it on stress really. My work has been improving greatly and I look forward to going again. My husband and kids are well and make me happy. My house is a total disaster but my attitude toward it is along the same lines as my attitude with eating. I know that it’s a horrible mess. I know exactly what I should do to fix it. I sometimes make a haphazard effort to fix things and then when it doesn’t go perfect I go in reverse. So whatever has me screwing up my eating has me screwing up with housecleaning. I know that I hate looking at my house right now, inside and out. I know that I hate it because of what I’ve done and not done to get it to that state. I know that I almost resent my husband when he tries to fix the house or when he gently reminds me about the food - it’s like I think he’s showing off that he’s better than me. And I know - I do KNOW - that that isn’t his intention, but I get upset regardless.
So, I’m here again. And today, even though I am truly and completely despising logging in what I’m eating, I’m actually doing so on SparkPeople - where I haven’t been in over a week. And it didn’t start off so good (20 oz of gas station cappuccino coffee), I’m doing okay. And I’m staring at Thanksgiving in two days and I’m not sure I’ve ever gone to my in-laws EVER and ate very good, but I’ll try at least. Though I’m afraid to say that I’m going to try because lately I saw that and it’s a blatant lie.
The thing is, I hate that nothing fits me. I hate that I have oodles and oodles of clothes that I can’t wear. I hate how I look. And I know what I need to fix it. I know it. But I’m just not wanting it right now. I want to be in a size four again. Just like I want the perfectly clean and straightened house. And I know how I can have that house. But I can’t seem to get into the mental place to do what has to be done. And I’m frustrated. I mad at myself. And yet I could eat a batch of brownies right now without batting an eye.
I know I’m rambling. And I know I’ll get through this. I almost didn’t post anything at all. I hate posting when I have a bad attitude. How can anyone ever call ME inspirational?! But I’m afraid if I don’t post, particularly now, I’m going to be back on the blog in a year saying how bad I screwed up and how I’m starting over starting over starting over and I’ll be twenty pounds heavier than even now. Maybe if I write it. Maybe I’ll get back in the right place in my head. Maybe.
I’m just swamped. I’m trying to be okay with the slooooooooooow weight loss because more importantly I’m eating healthfully, but the truth is, I’m frustrated with that. If I were more willing and able to work out, I know that would make a huge difference. But I’m not there right now. But I’m plodding along. Plodding along.
Umm… yeah… I don’t really have E. coli. I don’t think. Probably get me back to goal pretty quick, but nah. Thanks for your concerns.
