Peek a Boo
April 19th, 2009 by Anna

Hello, Site. I know you think I’ve forgotten about you, but I really haven’t. About once a month I open you up and stare for a couple of minutes. Then I close you down and go back to eating. I haven’t forgotten about you, but you are constantly nagging me so I don’t like you very much. Or… I didn’t anyway, Now I think I can face you. I think. You can see I tried to get reacquainted with you when I was kindasorta trying to get back in control. But my heart wasn’t in it. Recently, I’ve been thinking about you more and more. And not in a snide-ish sneering kind of way, either. I’ve actually thought of really trying to communicate with you again. I’ve been afraid though. I didn’t want to make promises I couldn’t keep. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to recommit.

Last week I changed your theme from the generic one I let take over a year or more ago. And today I decided I’d say hi. When I opened up my program to write, I saw an unpublished post from nearly a year ago. I wasn’t going to publish it, but I went ahead because reading it was… well… it was very introspective for me. Just a year ago I was in a very different place internally. I didn’t realize things were the way they were. Not as much as I realize them now. And I think after reading this, I might just forgive myself for making such a terrible mess of my body since my son was born five years ago. And I think I might just try to say with some umph that I’m really going to make it this time. And by writing to you, I think I’m ready to make that commitment again.

I’ll admit I’ve been testing the waters a bit before writing. I started during spring break, which is really kind of silly when you think about it. But I did pretty good. And then I went to Canada and that was really hard to stay on track. Or I thought it would be but I worked really hard to not let that be an excuse to go crazy and I felt so good about succeeding again. I didn’t lose during that nearly a week in Canada, but I didn’t gain and right now that’s something to be proud of. And then I lost a little more. And while it’s almost overwhelmingly depressing to admit that I’m only just now where I was when I first started my journey in November of 2000, I’m not letting myself get depressed over that and reminding myself that I’m nearly ten pounds lower than I was before spring break and that’s something to be proud of. And the fact that I’m at the point that I have done this before, I just have to remind myself that I can do it again. And the other things in my life – those stresses I mentioned in my post almost a year ago where I said I wasn’t in control very well – they’re so much improved. I love my job like I’ve never loved my job before. I’m appreciated at work like I’ve never been appreciate before. I’m getting to go places and do things that make me proud of me. So now it’s a matter of being proud of the shell that holds the me I’m proud of.

I wish I could say this is easy. Well, actually I wish I could just snap my fingers and be at goal and just be able to promise not be sway more than ten pounds or so. But it’s not easy and I don’t have a magic button. I’m not doing Weight Watchers right now. It was a great program for me, but right now I’m not sure I could get over the embarrassment in person to be back where I started and it would make me angry about the program to run into people I knew back when. I’m being quite meticulous about SparkPeople. I’m mostly making healthy choices. But sometimes I open a drawer to get a bag clip and there’s some Easter chocolates and they don’t just whisper my name, they shout it and I quickly eat them before they wake the children. So I’m learning to still write them down and even if I goof up the day at least I can be aware of it and make a better choice tomorrow. And I’m finding if I write it down (or rather, type it in since it’s all digital), I make a better choice later in the same day because sometimes the mistake wasn’t even as bad as I was assuming and I can recover the day. Some days haven’t been recoverable. And I’ve seen the scale jump up a bit to remind me that just because I didn’t log in the spoonfuls of Watergate salad (which should NOT be called a salad!) doesn’t mean they don’t sink straight to my butt.

That jump in the scale – it was so slight – but I almost lost it again. “It” being control, not “it” being the weight. I almost said “aw screw it.” But I didn’t. I fought the demon and I won. I won today. And tomorrow I’m going to win again.

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