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Another good day!
Apr 30th, 2009 by Anna

I’m really feeling good about myself. Exercise isn’t feeling like a chore. It’s just something I need to work to fit in. But the jogging in place is working. I did 30 more minutes on the Wii last night – one time for 20 minutes and one time for 10. And I don’t think I dropped my pace at all the whole time. And it was a fairly brisk pace. I just felt so GOOD about it.

Yesterday’s eating was good, too. I have one buffalo wing and one Hawaiian bread roll. But I stopped at one, each. It probably helped that Jonathan raised an eyebrow at me when I reached for the roll. If I hadn’t had to be snarky about having enough points (we say points even though we mean calories because we’re just so used to saying points because of Weight Watchers) I might have had another. But I stayed in control.

Today’s weigh in was down from yesterday but not down the lowest it’s been in the last week. I’m doing really well today with eating and I plan to work out again this evening so I’m hoping for another little loss in the morning’s weigh in. If I can just start a good steady downward turn, I know it will be easier to keep up the good habits.

Feelin’ it
Apr 28th, 2009 by Anna

So two days ago, I got up on the scale and before it settled on my weight, I thought, “I feel lighter.” And sure enough, the scale said, “You sure do!” It felt great. I’d gotten over that little hump and saw some results. I’ve been on and off with the Wii. Not really committed to it, but not avoiding it either. And I’ve been mostly doing good eating. I just can’t go over to Mom’s. Certainly not while her siblings are visiting and she has food Food and FOOD around! So that little break felt good, but I also knew it was short lived because like I’ve said – I’m only doing just better than okay.

Sunday we had extended family over for dinner. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Titi, Uncle Gabe, Aunt Mony and Aunt Meche. We had buffalo wings which I didn’t go overboard on and Hawaiian bread which I did. I had a few waffle fries. And I had ice cream. That was the biggest oops. And then more Hawaiian bread. And this is after already maxing my sodium on the day with a splurge for lunch of a Chipotle bowl. So yeah… I was pretty sure yesterday’s weight would reflect that not-so-good choices.

And yesterday – Monday – wasn’t great either. Because I was going to eat some grilled tilapia and maybe some steamed veggies but Jonathan came how with rainbow rice from Taiwan Dragon and… that was really good. And oh look – we have Hawaiian bread from the night before. So this morning I hadn’t gained over yesterday, but I didn’t get to see that lower number that gave me such glee. I’ll see it again, though.

I almost bailed on anything active this evening but with Biggest Loser on, I thought it would make more sense to not be a candidate for the next season. And then I got all happy again. I put on a free run on Wii Fit so I could just jog in place while I watched TV. Sure, I didn’t need the Wii Fit to do that, but there’s something satisfying hearing your virtual footsteps and not having to watch the clock. And I was pleasantly surprised with myself. I was going to set it for 20 minutes, but remembering how pathetic my 20 minute step was from the other day, I decided it would make more sense to do a 10 minute run and if I felt I could do another, do another. So I started up my run and switched the TV to Biggest Loser. And at a commercial break, because my son loves to watch my Mii running around the virtual world, I switched back to the Wii. I saw 3:08 and thought, “Geez! I have 7 minutes left?! Are you KIDDING me?!” But I wasn’t really that surprised. And then I noticed that the timer was going DOWN. I had 3 minutes LEFT. That realization gave me so much energy. It’s silly, really. But I finished my time during the commercial break (holy COW those breaks are long!) and then sat and watched until the next commercial break. And then I did another 10 minutes.

I’m writing this now and feeling kind of on a high about it. Which is silly. It’s just 20 minutes. Biggest Loser is almost over. But I think I’m going to go ahead with another 10 minutes. I’m just hoping I can find something really interesting on TV because watching my Mii run around isn’t engaging enough and 10 minutes will seem so much longer than 10 minutes…

Poo on everyone.
Apr 24th, 2009 by Anna

I was in such a pissy mood yesterday. And I didn’t eat well. I really did fine on the day until Jonathan brought home pizza for the kids. And I would have ignored the pizza like I planned but he also brought the Italian cheese bread and it smelled really, really good. So I ate a piece. And I thought what the hell I’ll just make it my dinner and had two more pieces. But I was in a bad mood and I should never make food decisions when I’m in this state. I would have still been fine but then I thought I’d go ahead and have a piece of pizza while I was at it. And that brought me over about 50 calories. So in my head, because I was pissy and angry, I thought I’d just work it off. 50 calories isn’t so bad. But I was pissy and told myself that I couldn’t “work it off” because I’m not doing Weight Watchers where I earn activity points. That SparkPeople doesn’t give you more calories to eat if you work out. This is actually the point that I started to act pissy on the outside, too – when I started playing mind games with myself. Because it would have still made sense to work out a bit even if I couldn’t show in SparkPeople that I didn’t go over in my calories. But did I mention I was pissy? Because I didn’t work out. And worse than that, I didn’t stop eating. I had a country cone ice cream that was nearly 300 calories! And just before I went to bed I had a Special K shake. At least it was a diety shake, right? I really could have done a lot worse, all things considering. And the truth is I wanted to do a lot worse. I’d gone to a friend’s work so we could work on a podcast and totally planned on getting a big chocolate shake on the way home. I thought about it, though, and I came to my senses.

Today I’ve been pretty good. I’m worried about this evening, however, as the girls are going to have a friend sleepover and Jonathan is picking up buffalo wings for dinner. I’m going to just decide not to touch them at all, because I’m probably going to lose control if I do. But that’s hard to admit because I really want a buffalo wing. Just one? *sigh*

Workout… sorta
Apr 21st, 2009 by Anna

I actually got some exercise yesterday. Did a little Wii Fit. Not a lot. I did get my heart rate up. Mostly it was the jogging in place for ten minutes. I wanted to watch regular TV while doing this – there’s a free run game that lets you leave the Wii console because you hear your steps and the time info through your remote. But Nathan wanted to watch me running in the virtual world and see who I would pass along the trail. It’s cute because any of the Mii avatars on your console can show up in this virtual world. I ran alongside my husband for a little while. And crossed paths with my mom.

I didn’t know whether to laugh for cry but after every single exercise Nathan would run up and ask me if I’d lost any weight. He was cute being proud of me for the exercises, but after EVERY one. “Did you lose any weight?” “Let’s see if you lost weight!” After I collapsed in a heap after my run, Nathan plopped down next to me and asked, “When are you going to lose weight, Mommy?” When indeed. I really didn’t know how to explain to a five year old that my weight loss was going to be gradual and he wasn’t going to notice.

While Nathan tried to be encouraging, Jonathan actually was. His little “good for you, Anna” was enough to make me not give up on my pathetic run with the excuse that it’s only the first day and tomorrow I’ll do more. I’m really good at making plausible excuses.

The scale as been steady at that one little jump for longer than I’m happy with. I’m trying not to get angry and frustrated. I can clearly see my not great choices so why would I expect an un-deserved loss? My not great choices haven’t been horrendous choices. But that’s quickly becoming something not to be particularly proud of. If I want to lose weight, I have to make good choices. Period.

Peek a Boo
Apr 19th, 2009 by Anna

Hello, Site. I know you think I’ve forgotten about you, but I really haven’t. About once a month I open you up and stare for a couple of minutes. Then I close you down and go back to eating. I haven’t forgotten about you, but you are constantly nagging me so I don’t like you very much. Or… I didn’t anyway, Now I think I can face you. I think. You can see I tried to get reacquainted with you when I was kindasorta trying to get back in control. But my heart wasn’t in it. Recently, I’ve been thinking about you more and more. And not in a snide-ish sneering kind of way, either. I’ve actually thought of really trying to communicate with you again. I’ve been afraid though. I didn’t want to make promises I couldn’t keep. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to recommit.

Last week I changed your theme from the generic one I let take over a year or more ago. And today I decided I’d say hi. When I opened up my program to write, I saw an unpublished post from nearly a year ago. I wasn’t going to publish it, but I went ahead because reading it was… well… it was very introspective for me. Just a year ago I was in a very different place internally. I didn’t realize things were the way they were. Not as much as I realize them now. And I think after reading this, I might just forgive myself for making such a terrible mess of my body since my son was born five years ago. And I think I might just try to say with some umph that I’m really going to make it this time. And by writing to you, I think I’m ready to make that commitment again.

I’ll admit I’ve been testing the waters a bit before writing. I started during spring break, which is really kind of silly when you think about it. But I did pretty good. And then I went to Canada and that was really hard to stay on track. Or I thought it would be but I worked really hard to not let that be an excuse to go crazy and I felt so good about succeeding again. I didn’t lose during that nearly a week in Canada, but I didn’t gain and right now that’s something to be proud of. And then I lost a little more. And while it’s almost overwhelmingly depressing to admit that I’m only just now where I was when I first started my journey in November of 2000, I’m not letting myself get depressed over that and reminding myself that I’m nearly ten pounds lower than I was before spring break and that’s something to be proud of. And the fact that I’m at the point that I have done this before, I just have to remind myself that I can do it again. And the other things in my life – those stresses I mentioned in my post almost a year ago where I said I wasn’t in control very well – they’re so much improved. I love my job like I’ve never loved my job before. I’m appreciated at work like I’ve never been appreciate before. I’m getting to go places and do things that make me proud of me. So now it’s a matter of being proud of the shell that holds the me I’m proud of.

I wish I could say this is easy. Well, actually I wish I could just snap my fingers and be at goal and just be able to promise not be sway more than ten pounds or so. But it’s not easy and I don’t have a magic button. I’m not doing Weight Watchers right now. It was a great program for me, but right now I’m not sure I could get over the embarrassment in person to be back where I started and it would make me angry about the program to run into people I knew back when. I’m being quite meticulous about SparkPeople. I’m mostly making healthy choices. But sometimes I open a drawer to get a bag clip and there’s some Easter chocolates and they don’t just whisper my name, they shout it and I quickly eat them before they wake the children. So I’m learning to still write them down and even if I goof up the day at least I can be aware of it and make a better choice tomorrow. And I’m finding if I write it down (or rather, type it in since it’s all digital), I make a better choice later in the same day because sometimes the mistake wasn’t even as bad as I was assuming and I can recover the day. Some days haven’t been recoverable. And I’ve seen the scale jump up a bit to remind me that just because I didn’t log in the spoonfuls of Watergate salad (which should NOT be called a salad!) doesn’t mean they don’t sink straight to my butt.

That jump in the scale – it was so slight – but I almost lost it again. “It” being control, not “it” being the weight. I almost said “aw screw it.” But I didn’t. I fought the demon and I won. I won today. And tomorrow I’m going to win again.

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© Copyright Anna Adam 2009