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Here I am again.
May 12th, 2008 by Anna

Pushing eight years from when I joined Weight Watchers. And here I am again. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. Ever. Including nine months pregnant. Bah. I did it to myself. I know that. And I wanted to want to keep up this blog because I knew it would hold me accountable and keep me motivated. But see, I wanted to want to, but I didn’t want to. I’m sure that only makes sense to me. I’ve let myself go. I think my husband is right in his thoughts on my weight gain – that I’ve had all kinds of stress from all kinds of directions and in things I couldn’t control. So in the one way I can control, I let it go. That makes sense. It’s a lot of who I am. But it hasn’t made me make better choices knowing this. I’ve been avoiding people that I haven’t seen in a year plus – gained a LOT this past year – because I don’t want them to see how big I’ve gotten. I’m fat. Not heavy. Not big boned. I’m fat. And I really wanted never to be this way in my kids’ memory. I’ve failed. But what’s that saying? Your character isn’t about your failures, it’s about what you do after you fail. Or something inspirational along those lines. So even though I’m busting through the same clothes sizes I did eight years ago I have the power to change who I am. I know this. The question is, will I? Is it really easier to eat when no one is looking and to avoid situations where I’ll be embarrassed by what I weigh now? Is it really easier to quickly say, “No, I’m not pregnant” before I’m asked so that someone doesn’t accidentally ask the question that will embarrass us both? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m very, VERY unhappy with my body. But I still choose chocolate. I know that my size is affecting how I interact with my children, my husband, my friends, my work. It is controlling me. So this idea that this is an area I can control? Well, I’m out of control. And I keep telling myself, “today… today I will eat right. Just today. And we’ll see what tomorrow brings.” And then it’s… “right after this cappuccino I’ll eat right.” and then “well, I decided before I could enjoy a good chocolate bar so right after that, then I’ll start over.”

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