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November 20th, 2006 by Anna

It’s that time again. Time for me to get a crummy attitude. Time for me to ignore the web site and pretend that my weight isn’t a constant issue. Pretend it doesn’t bother me that I’m xyz pounds above my goal and that it’s okay that I eat whatever the heck I want to whenever the heck I want to and in whatever portions I want to. It’s time stop stepping on the scale so I can pretend I’m not going in reverse. Okay, well, that’s the direction I’ve been headed. Did I say I was back on the wagon? I lied. I picked up a train heading in the other direction. Nice, huh?

I wish I knew what was in me that takes me to this spot. What triggers me to throw away everything I’ve worked for to get to where I am? Why do I suddenly think that I hate fruit and that veggies are a waste and that copious amounts of chocolate will be worth it all? Why do I pretend that I’m going to be “good” in a day and then make an excuse to blow it out of the water? Like yesterday. It’s a Sunday. The start of the week. I’m going to be good. I had nothing to eat or drink until about 11:30 am and then I got a yogurt (good) and thought I’d have just a single serving of barbeque potato chips. Only Nathan took three or four of my carefully weighed portion of chips. So I thought I’d replace them with eight or ten more, figuring he’d eat more. He did. So I got more still. Until finally I had the bag of chips sitting in front of us and had no idea how much I’d eaten. And then I figured I’d blown the day so what the heck, right?

I really need to figure out how I get here. I can’t blame it on stress really. My work has been improving greatly and I look forward to going again. My husband and kids are well and make me happy. My house is a total disaster but my attitude toward it is along the same lines as my attitude with eating. I know that it’s a horrible mess. I know exactly what I should do to fix it. I sometimes make a haphazard effort to fix things and then when it doesn’t go perfect I go in reverse. So whatever has me screwing up my eating has me screwing up with housecleaning. I know that I hate looking at my house right now, inside and out. I know that I hate it because of what I’ve done and not done to get it to that state. I know that I almost resent my husband when he tries to fix the house or when he gently reminds me about the food – it’s like I think he’s showing off that he’s better than me. And I know – I do KNOW – that that isn’t his intention, but I get upset regardless.

So, I’m here again. And today, even though I am truly and completely despising logging in what I’m eating, I’m actually doing so on SparkPeople – where I haven’t been in over a week. And it didn’t start off so good (20 oz of gas station cappuccino coffee), I’m doing okay. And I’m staring at Thanksgiving in two days and I’m not sure I’ve ever gone to my in-laws EVER and ate very good, but I’ll try at least. Though I’m afraid to say that I’m going to try because lately I saw that and it’s a blatant lie.

The thing is, I hate that nothing fits me. I hate that I have oodles and oodles of clothes that I can’t wear. I hate how I look. And I know what I need to fix it. I know it. But I’m just not wanting it right now. I want to be in a size four again. Just like I want the perfectly clean and straightened house. And I know how I can have that house. But I can’t seem to get into the mental place to do what has to be done. And I’m frustrated. I mad at myself. And yet I could eat a batch of brownies right now without batting an eye.

I know I’m rambling. And I know I’ll get through this. I almost didn’t post anything at all. I hate posting when I have a bad attitude. How can anyone ever call ME inspirational?! But I’m afraid if I don’t post, particularly now, I’m going to be back on the blog in a year saying how bad I screwed up and how I’m starting over starting over starting over and I’ll be twenty pounds heavier than even now. Maybe if I write it. Maybe I’ll get back in the right place in my head. Maybe.


3 Responses  
  • Karen writes:
    November 21st, 200611:44 amat

    Hi, I’m Karen. We’ve met before. Apparently, we lead parallel lives, so I thought I’d introduce myself again.

  • Laura Warnecke writes:
    November 21st, 20064:00 pmat

    Anna! I am so glad that you posted this. I have been feeling the exact same way. This is so hard. I haven’t logged my food on Sparkpeople for awhile, however I have still been getting at least a little exercise in. It could be so many reasons why we feel this way. For me, I think I’m just sick and tired of watching people eat whatever they want and then say that they’ve never worked out a day in there life. Why can’t that be me? It’s sooooooo frustrating.

    You have done so well and have been very inspirational to me. You are right, you will come out of this funk and get right back into working out. So will I. I know that I just have to keep trying…I can’t give up. I know that I need to lose weight, I know that I want to lose weight. I just don’t feel motivated to do it.

    I wish you the best and I’m thinking about you. Take care!

    Laura

  • Lindsey writes:
    November 21st, 20065:57 pmat

    OMG…reading that was like reading about my life right now. I want to badly to lose this weight again, but obviously not bad enough to stop eating. Like you said, I know what I have to do I just can’t seem to do it. I have pretty much given up even trying to do anything about my weight until after the holidays. And my house is the same way…a complete disaster.


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