No Pria.
Nov 30th, 2006 by Anna

I got out the door this morning without my Pria bar. Dang it. Now to figure out how I’m not going to let that be the start of the avalanche of the day. I’m really good about blowing the whole day beginning with one tiny issue. Because as soon as I realized I’d forgotten my Pria bar, I was already thinking I wanted chocolate and I’d just get a Snickers from the snack machine and well if I was going to have a Snickers I would just go ahead and have a real lunch instead of a TV dinner and well, why don’t I just take the day off? Right?

But yesterday was a good day. I almost blew the day just like I’m envisioning today happening. I did good all day and then got home and was making pancakes for dinner and I ate while I was cooking (mmm… pancake batter….) and ate the piping hot pancakes and I thought I’d for sure blown the day so I almost… ALMOST snarfed some more Halloween candy of the kids because whattheheck my day is shot. But I went ahead and entered my SparkPoints data and was pleasantly surprised to see that I didn’t blow the day at all. I was right on target. So I didn’t snarf candy. And it felt good to be right.

So why is it not even 9am and I’m already picturing my whole day with crappy foods? Today’s challenge will be to not let that lack of a chocolate flavored power bar be the catalyst for eating poorly. I ate my yogurt and my banana, which I didn’t forget. So at least I’m off to a good start…

Okay, here we go!
Nov 27th, 2006 by Anna

It’s after Thanksgiving. COMPLETELY after Thanksgiving. So no “well, it’s still Thanksgiving weekend” excuses. I have nearly a month before I can give the Christmas excuses. Well, no that’s not entirely true. Jonathan’s office party is this weekend. Mine is next. Then we have Christmas with Jonathan’s family. Then Christmas with our own family. Then Christmas with my family. I have a LOT of Christmas excuses. So I’m going to make the best of the days with no excuses.

I still have a bad attitude about it all. Well, no my attitude’s not bad, it’s just that I’m not particularly motivated. I get frustrated when I see someone thin, see how I want to look again. Or when I can’t get into my clothes. But that’s still not enough for me not to snarf my 2 year old’s M&M’s.

I need to figure out what’s going to work this time. What will motivate me to stay on course. I’m already thinking part of why I haven’t been sticking to the good stuff is boredom. I thought at first I was just a creature of habit. But I think it’s laziness. When I’m doing things right, 95% of the time, I pack a yogurt, a banana, an apple, an orange, a Pria bar and a TV dinner to go to work. The fruit only varies if I forget one or am out of one so I take two of another. I think I’m just sick of the same ol’ thing, but I’ve been too lazy to figure out something else to try.  I know I like plums, though I’m quite picky about their ripeness so I normally just skip them. I love pineapples, but they’re expensive if you want them fresh and already cut. And mangoes are good but I have to cut those, too, because I don’t like how the meat gets in my teeth when I just bite into them. So it’s mostly apples, bananas and oranges because they’re easy and I’m lazy. But it’s the same old thing and I think that’s part of why I’m eating poorly. Because every bad food I’m eating is easy to eat and good. So I know this is something I need to work on.

But for today, it’s yogurt, apple, banana, orange, Pria bar and TV dinner. Whee.

Nov 20th, 2006 by Anna

It’s that time again. Time for me to get a crummy attitude. Time for me to ignore the web site and pretend that my weight isn’t a constant issue. Pretend it doesn’t bother me that I’m xyz pounds above my goal and that it’s okay that I eat whatever the heck I want to whenever the heck I want to and in whatever portions I want to. It’s time stop stepping on the scale so I can pretend I’m not going in reverse. Okay, well, that’s the direction I’ve been headed. Did I say I was back on the wagon? I lied. I picked up a train heading in the other direction. Nice, huh?

I wish I knew what was in me that takes me to this spot. What triggers me to throw away everything I’ve worked for to get to where I am? Why do I suddenly think that I hate fruit and that veggies are a waste and that copious amounts of chocolate will be worth it all? Why do I pretend that I’m going to be “good” in a day and then make an excuse to blow it out of the water? Like yesterday. It’s a Sunday. The start of the week. I’m going to be good. I had nothing to eat or drink until about 11:30 am and then I got a yogurt (good) and thought I’d have just a single serving of barbeque potato chips. Only Nathan took three or four of my carefully weighed portion of chips. So I thought I’d replace them with eight or ten more, figuring he’d eat more. He did. So I got more still. Until finally I had the bag of chips sitting in front of us and had no idea how much I’d eaten. And then I figured I’d blown the day so what the heck, right?

I really need to figure out how I get here. I can’t blame it on stress really. My work has been improving greatly and I look forward to going again. My husband and kids are well and make me happy. My house is a total disaster but my attitude toward it is along the same lines as my attitude with eating. I know that it’s a horrible mess. I know exactly what I should do to fix it. I sometimes make a haphazard effort to fix things and then when it doesn’t go perfect I go in reverse. So whatever has me screwing up my eating has me screwing up with housecleaning. I know that I hate looking at my house right now, inside and out. I know that I hate it because of what I’ve done and not done to get it to that state. I know that I almost resent my husband when he tries to fix the house or when he gently reminds me about the food – it’s like I think he’s showing off that he’s better than me. And I know – I do KNOW – that that isn’t his intention, but I get upset regardless.

So, I’m here again. And today, even though I am truly and completely despising logging in what I’m eating, I’m actually doing so on SparkPeople – where I haven’t been in over a week. And it didn’t start off so good (20 oz of gas station cappuccino coffee), I’m doing okay. And I’m staring at Thanksgiving in two days and I’m not sure I’ve ever gone to my in-laws EVER and ate very good, but I’ll try at least. Though I’m afraid to say that I’m going to try because lately I saw that and it’s a blatant lie.

The thing is, I hate that nothing fits me. I hate that I have oodles and oodles of clothes that I can’t wear. I hate how I look. And I know what I need to fix it. I know it. But I’m just not wanting it right now. I want to be in a size four again. Just like I want the perfectly clean and straightened house. And I know how I can have that house. But I can’t seem to get into the mental place to do what has to be done. And I’m frustrated. I mad at myself. And yet I could eat a batch of brownies right now without batting an eye.

I know I’m rambling. And I know I’ll get through this. I almost didn’t post anything at all. I hate posting when I have a bad attitude. How can anyone ever call ME inspirational?! But I’m afraid if I don’t post, particularly now, I’m going to be back on the blog in a year saying how bad I screwed up and how I’m starting over starting over starting over and I’ll be twenty pounds heavier than even now. Maybe if I write it. Maybe I’ll get back in the right place in my head. Maybe.

For fun.
Nov 20th, 2006 by Anna

Comics and Editorial Cartoons: Born Loser on Yahoo! News

The Quick Fix
Nov 9th, 2006 by Anna

Comics and Editorial Cartoons: Clear Blue Water on Yahoo! News

This is certainly in line with a post I made semi-recently about what works.

The wagon.
Nov 1st, 2006 by Anna

I didn’t hit a bump and fall off the wagon. No I leapt off and danced around while the wagon left me behind. I smelled the flowers and then ate a few just to see if they tasted good. They didn’t, so I tried another kind. That’s as best I can describe the last week and a half. And here people were finally noticing weight loss. “Anna, you losing weight?” “Yeah, you gonna eat the rest of that brownie?” I did good Monday but yesterday, of course, was Halloween. I’m not sure I’ve ever been good on a Halloween EVER. It’s a very cruel holiday. But today is a new day. And as Jonathan reminded me, it’s a marathon. I’m going to have slow points. Now, why I chose to run backwards in the journey back to me, I’m not entirely sure. But I’ve facing the right direction now. And I hopped back on the wagon. Thanks for saving my seat!

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