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Feeling Grim & Grumpy
May 29th, 2003 by Anna

A warning: I’m feeling quite sorry for myself today, so take this posting with a heavy dose of salt – a grain just won’t do. All through my journal, and on my site, I say that Weight Watchers is a lifestyle change. That these changes are life changes. If you go to other people’s weight loss sites, particularly WW, you see the same theme. They are making life changes – not dieting temporarily. The other day I was going out on a work errand and got volunteered to pick up lunch for the office. I was taking everyone’s order and at the same time, looking up the points for the restaurant we had chosen. As usual, I had the full range of comments, “Oh you don’t need to worry about points!” “You’re still doing Weight Watchers?” “Oh, Anna, you’re so good! I’m so impressed with you keeping track still.” “You can take a day off, can’t you?” But there was one comment – a question, actually – that made me pause. “You’re going to be doing this for the rest of your life, aren’t you?” My immediate response was, “Yes, I am.” But it’s been bothering me ever since. Why do I have to count points for the rest of my life? That just doesn’t seem fair! I have coworkers that are skinny minis and they never count points! I have larger coworkers that just don’t care (or at least they don’t seem to). Am I really going to be 60 and still counting points?! I would hope that by then I’ll have it all figured out and won’t actually have to journal, but it’s been close to two years since I reached goal and I still don’t have it figured out yet. I still have to journal to stay at my goal weight. This really bummed me out. It’s not that I won’t do this. I know it’s right for my body. But the way she said it… “the rest of your life.” I know it’s not really any different that someone that has to take, say, heart medication for the rest of their life. It’s something they have to do to stay healthy. But it’s still not fair.

Sabotage
May 27th, 2003 by Anna

Okay, I only recently realized it, but I am all about patterns, it seems. I was re-reading my journal, and, like the Weight Watchers meetings, I seem to hit the same topics in a cycle. Good and bad? there’s the whole mirror thing I’ve touched on a few times, and my husband’s support . But one thing bothers me – maybe a couple. It seems I sabotage my goals unconsciously. I have a WW goal and a personal goal. My WW goal is what I call my critical mass . If I get up to that goal, I refocus and get back on program until I’m near my personal goal. But that’s where the problem is. When I get near my personal goal, I seem to go crazy. I am only within a pound of personal goal for a day and then you can see my eating go through the roof! It’s really a pathetic pattern. I owe it to myself to get to my personal goal and hang out there for awhile, don’t I? And every time I get to that goal, I tell myself that I can’t blow it. That I have a tendency to gain quite quickly, but I still do it. Self fulfilling prophecy?

So I’m on my way back down again to my personal goal. I hope to reach it before I leave for Puerto Rico on the 2nd of June. I’ll be there for two and a half weeks. I don’t know if my Abuela has a scale or not, and I have absolutely no idea how to point many of the Puertorican dishes I’ll be enjoying. I don’t even know half of what’s in them. So I’m going to do the obvious – try to stay away from the fried foods, drink lots of water – but still try to enjoy the fact that I may never have these authentic Puertorican meals again.. Or at least not for a very long time. When I get home, though, I’ll only have nine days to get back to WW goal if I go over. That’s how long it will be until the last meeting of the month… If I skip the meeting, I pay. If I’m more than two pounds over goal, I pay. I will not pay.

My Birthday
May 18th, 2003 by Anna

I’m 32 today. Well, in about 12 hours, I guess. I don’t feel any different from yesterday, but then I’ve been calling myself 32 since the first of the year. I look much better at 32 than I did at 23 so I’m okay with my age.

The last couple of weeks have been not lacking in stresses, but up until two days ago, I really have been back on program. Yesterday and the day before weren’t horrible, but I did use up ALL banked. I guess no cake and ice cream today! My birthday gift to myself is to get back to my personal goal weight and stay within two pounds of it. I’m within two pounds now, but I do want to actually GET there. I deserve this. More than I “deserve” cake and ice cream.

I got a new haircut last week and have gotten loads of compliments. They feel really good. Especially the people who say things like I needed a new doo for my hot bod. That feels great! It was the haircut that really helped me stay the course. :)

So there’s my ramblings today, on my birthday.

I’ve had a few comments
May 12th, 2003 by Anna

I’ve had a few comments on my posting, and then a few emails on top of that, so I thought you all deserve an update to my stress levels and how they’re affecting my eating.

As for stress levels, they are still at an all time high. Well, maybe not “all time” but pretty high nonetheless. Most of the stresses I can do nothing about so I’m trying to endure them as best I can until they’re gone.

I’m sorry to say I’m not doing that well keeping food out of how I’m handling my stress. I have good days and bad days. I’ve been having more bad than good. I hit “critical mass ” again and actually when a bit beyond that by not weighing myself daily and pretending my weight wasn’t still going up. I’m seven pounds from my personal goal, which is still below my Weight Watchers goal, but that’s not good enough for me. I’m trying to get back in a better mindset.

My sweet husband bought me a whole mess of aromatherapy products from Bath & Body Works for Mother’s Day. That, and a book called, The Book of Calm. I’m going to see if I can’t find some good stress reducers there. I know that biking will be a great stress reducer, but I haven’t found the time… at least not at the right time anyway. When I have time, it’s just way too hot…

Anyway, thanks for your concern. I’m still working through it all. It’s been a good few days at least…

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