A Banana Will Lead Me
Jan 31st, 2003 by Anna

Why is it that I let a piece of fruit dictate my day? Let me explain… If you were to look at my food journal, you would see that nearly every weekday morning, I have a banana. I love bananas. They’re sweet, they’re filling, they’re healthy. It’s a perfect way to start my day. My routine is to drop a banana into my purse every morning on my way out the door. I try to wait until I’m actually at work to eat my banana, but some days I can’t wait and I eat it in the car. But I always have my banana… unless I forget. Like this particular morning. I was almost all the way to my daughter’s daycare, which is closer to work than to home, when I realized in my haste to get out the door, I forgot my banana. My first thought was to go back for it, but I’d already gone back for the chocolate that I put in my coffee and now I was much further from home and would be significantly late. I’m embarrassed to admit that my heart sank. I thought for sure my day would be completely blown as far as food was concerned. As if it wasn’t completely up to me as to what food choices I could make. As if that banana held some kind of power that would allow me to control my eating. So I’m working on that now. I’m working on being flexible to possible set backs and changes to my routine. I’m proud to say that it’s now nearly 3pm and I have enough points to have a sensible dinner and a little bit of ice cream for dessert. Yay me!

Why I Hate Mirrors.
Jan 24th, 2003 by Anna

When I was a size 12 and moving up, I saw a size 12 in the mirror. And when I was a size 14, I saw a size 12. And when I was a size 16, I saw a size 12 in my reflection. It wasn’t until I looked at an actual photograph that I really saw that I was fat. And not size 12 fat. But fat.

Now that I’m a size 4, guess what I see in the mirror? A size 10, give or take. How do I know? Because I compare what I see in the mirror to what I know other people are to be. The point is, I don’t see a size 4. I honestly don’t. And that really bugs me. I often find myself obsessing about mirrors. Every mirror I pass, every window or door reflection, I’m looking at myself, trying so hard to see a size 4. But I see a bigger, chunkier self in my reflection. So sometimes I get into this mindset that since I look like I’m a size 10, why not just be a size 10? I have to force myself to realize that I’m the only one that sees me this way. When I look at a photograph, I often don’t even recognize myself. “Whoa? Who’s that? She looks a like me, but she’s skinny.” Seriously. I often don’t realize that’s me at a first glance. So why does my reflection lie to me? And how can I get it to tell the truth?

An interesting addendum. Jonathan never saw me at my true size, either. Not when I was fat. He said he pretty much never saw me as more than a 12 until a couple of months before I joined Weight Watchers. And I was a 14, pushing 16 for at least a couple of years. Isn’t that strange? I think he sees me as a 4 now, though…

So What the Heck is My Problem?
Jan 23rd, 2003 by Anna

The day after I post my food journal, I go over points again? Hmm?! Again, I journaled. That’s the good part. I have to keep journaling. I tried to play with my points. I tried to change my points on an item after I’d gone over. “Well, that wasn’t really 9 points. I’ll bet it was only 7.” But I went back today and put it back to my original calculation. I mean, really. Do my hips go “I was going to put on half and inch for that piece of cake, but no, now that I think about it, since I’m going to have to add for that ice cream now too, I’ll just add a quarter of an inch.” I’m not fooling my body when I adjust my points to look better. I might fool my family, my friends, the readers of this journal. I might even convince myself. But my body knows. I need to start being brutally honest with myself. Man… just wait until I post this week’s food journal. *sigh*

Okay, last week’s food journal is online.
Jan 21st, 2003 by Anna

Click here. It will open up a new window that you can close out and return to here. There are not links from that page as of right now. I’ll work on that later.

I had a breakthrough the other day.
Jan 20th, 2003 by Anna

I should note the day because it was a pretty incredible breakthrough for me. See, I have a habit of eating very quickly. And in my fat days, if I ate something I really liked, and ate it so quickly that I didn’t remember eating it… I’d have another so that I could enjoy it. Bad habit. So during my weight loss journey, I had to make a concentrated effort to eat slowly, especially for the things I particularly enjoyed. Last week, the four of us went to the mall. Jonathan had Madelynn and was buying something at Dillard’s while I took Meghan to get an ice cream. I had enough points to get a non-fat yogurt for myself. Meghan and I sat down to eat our desserts and casually chit-chatted about the things mothers and 3 year olds talk about. All of a sudden, I looked down at my yogurt and realized that I still had about two thirds of it left! It had been at least of few minutes and it was a kiddie sized yogurt! I felt so good! I mean, I’m trying hard to redefine who I am. I’m not a fat girl in a thin body. I’m a thin girl. I don’t have to gorge my food. I’m not giving myself the excuse to gorge my food (“That’s just how I eat…”). And here, finallly, I was eating my dessert slowly, and enjoying each and every bite.

Okay, so with that good news comes some bad news. I went over points yesterday. WAY over points. But I made myself journal all of it. And being aware that I was going to journal each bad choice made me make a few less bad choices, I have to admit. I decided not to try to reverse bank the day. I didn’t want to get discouraged during the week and being forced to so few points. And I wanted to be okay with myself to screw up once in awhile. Thin girls sometimes eat too much. The scale was not too bad to me this morning. A .2 pound gain over yesterday. And today I’ve already earned six activity points with some Tae-Bo. So I’m doing just fine.

I weighed in yesterday…
Jan 17th, 2003 by Anna

One more day of not paying. Yay! That’s my goal. To never again pay for a meeting. I’m done for January. In February I’ll go again. And I’ll be below my goal.

Today, though, I’m struggling. I really want to eat something sweet. Ice cream would be perfect. I’m at work, though, and have no access to lite ice cream. So it’s another Pria bar. I don’t know why I feel so particularly hungry today, except maybe because I didn’t even reach my minimum points yesterday. But I’m staying in control. Because that’s what thin people with no weight problems do. And that’s what I am. So there!

I’m trying to work exercise back into my life.
Jan 15th, 2003 by Anna

Oh sure, I chase a 3 year old and a nearly 1 year old around the house, but I need something more formal. I had a half day off of work yesterday (waiting for Sears to deliver our new washer and dryer) so I did Tae-Bo. It felt so good to get moving. I’m not too sore today, either. If I can manage it, I’ll get up early in the mornings and work out. That’s going to depend a lot on my daughters, though.

I have to admit the biggest motivator for doing my Tae-Bo… It was because the application I use on my Palm to journal my food updated with an activity log. Instead of just putting in the number of points I get for excercise, I can enter the activity itself. Is that pathetic or what? I am a gadget queen. But hey, whatever got me moving, it doesn’t matter as long as I got moving, right?

I feel particularly good about myself today, despite my lack of sleep last night. Maybe it’s my new attitude, maybe it’s the few emails I’ve received regarding my site and my loss in the last few days. Whatever it is, I need to keep this feeling.

Jan 8th, 2003 by Anna

Just threatening myself with posting my daily food journal was so far enough to keep me in line. Whoo hoo!! I’ll start posting it anyway… once I set up another blog for it…

Food Journaling
Jan 5th, 2003 by Anna

Well, I think I’m going to try to be more regular with my journal again. It’s been two years (plus) now since I joined Weight Watchers. I’ve succeeded in my goal to never pay for a meeting, so far. But that’s really been with some creative timing of weigh-ins. I definitely have my ups and downs. I’m getting positive feedback from this web site, though, and that has helped me stay on track (or get back on track, sometimes). This is a new year, and I need a new outlook. It seems that my weight motto is, “I’m still a fat girl, I just have a smaller body.” This is true in that I still struggle daily to make the right food choices. But I realized today that this motto is flawed. It is allowing me to be a fat girl. “Oh, I went way over points today but what do you expect? I’m still a fat girl, I just have a smaller body.” I’ve been giving myself that out. So starting right this very second (I can’t start “today” because I’ve already been way over points today), I am throwing out that motto. I am not a fat girl. I will not be a fat girl. I am thin and beautiful and I know what I need to do to stay thin and beautiful. I’m going to keep updating this journal to help me stay accountable. Perhaps I’ll add a second journal with just my food diary. If I know anyone can see what I’m putting in my mouth, perhaps I’ll make better choices about what goes in it.

Happy New Year, everyone!

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