Hopefully out of my slump…
July 11th, 2001 by Anna

Okay, I think I’m out of my slump. I have been on program for several days in a row now. I’m finding it easier to stick to my measly 18 points. I’m not allowing myself to bank any until the week is up to kind of make up for my horrible splurges. But if I do reach maximum, I don’t fret over that either.

The other day, Jonathan and I went over to my mother’s house. On the table she had a box of chocolates. Jonathan and I decided to snitch some. Well, I instantly reached for the square shaped lighter chocolate which I knew was caramel. And I pretty well scarffed that piece. Then I noticed two little pieces in one spot and read on the top that they were some crunch something or other. So I thought I’d have one of the two. Jonathan stopped me. He was very insistent that I didn’t need to eat that second piece. I’d already eaten a piece. So, after pouting and complaining, I didn’t eat it. But I felt so incredibly deprived… it felt so unfair to me that I couldn’t have that second piece. I hated that other people could have two pieces and not have to worry what it would do to their figures. It took several hours later for me to realize that Jonathan didn’t have a second piece either. He slowly ate his chosen piece and was satisfied with it. I realized I’m still thinking like a fat girl. More is still better. I don’t take the time to enjoy what I do eat and like. When I can’t have more, I think it’s unfair. Our Weight Watchers meeting last Thursday was about modeling our behaviors after thin people. I’m a lot thinner than I used to be, but really I’m a fat girl hiding in this body. This is what has gone wrong for the last several weeks where I’ve been blowing it. I’m thinking like that fat girl. It feels unfair that I only have 18 points to work with. It feels unfair that other people are eating steak and I’m eating fish. It feels unfair that my toast is ‘buttered’ with fat free spray and Jonathan’s is dripping with rich yellow. I realize now I need to stop dwelling on what’s fair. I need to eat to live, not live to eat. I can indulge, but I need to enjoy those indulgences and realize a PIECE of a pie is indulgence enough – I don’t need the whole pie with a scoop of ice cream to boot. So I’m going to start working on my thoughts now. I’m tired of being the fat girl. That fat girl can get OUT of this body now because she just doesn’t fit!

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