Doing good.
Jul 31st, 2001 by Anna

My daily weigh-ins have been the lowest I’ve ever seen so I may actually hit goal this Thursday. I’m not going to hold my breath for it though. I gave myself two weigh-ins and if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes.

This morning I took my daughter to day care on the bike. I pulled her in the trailer. It was only a five minute ride one way, but it felt good to get my body moving again. I should have kept going but I’m really stressed right now about non-weight related issues and I wanted to get home and fix some problems. But I might take a real ride tomorrow morning. I can’t go in the afternoon or evening – it’s just too darn hot.

Yesterday I really, REALLY wanted to go over in points. I had made bread-maker bread and it was like 6 points a slice! Yikes! I only had 2 left on the day (using my target of 20 and not my upper range). It was very hard for me to stay in control and realize I could have a bigger slice the next day. I had to keep reminding myself that I don’t have that far to go… but I have got to keep moving my feet.

I have to say my husband is incredibly supportive and sometimes in a very quiet, subtle way. Maybe he doesn’t know I notice. I need to thank him. The other day, we were eating at the Wing Stop, a local hot wings restaurant. He ordered french fries for himself and Meghan. Now the Wing Stop has the BEST fries. They’ve got the best seasoning. And they’re thin but skin on potatoes. Oh goodness my mouth is watering just thinking about them. But I didn’t really have enough points for fries. There they were, sitting in the middle of the table. Maybe Jonathan noticed me staring at them, contemplating how many I could have for a point. He casually slid the basket all the way to his side of the table and behind his basket of wings so I couldn’t even really SEE it anymore. What a huge difference it made for me, not to have to stare at those fries while I ate my wings and beans. Thank goodness for Jonathan.

Subconscious sabotage?
Jul 28th, 2001 by Anna

Well, whether it was a subconscious effort to make sure I reached goal at my own meeting, or whether it was just me blowing it again, I gained at this weigh in. I had two extra days since I couldn’t go to my Thursday meeting. I know if I’d weighed in on Thursday it would have been worse. Last weekend I blew it again and the rest of the week I spent trying to make up for the gain. I have just under 3 pounds to reach goal. I’m giving myself 2 weigh-ins. I’m setting my daily target points to 20 and I’m not going to bank anything over that. I’m also going to try to bring back in my exercise.

I’m going to have to upload a photo of my nephew. We were at the lake the other day and my sister-in-law (not his mother) asked him how much he weighs so she could get the right life-jacket for him. He weighs 75 pounds. I stared at him for a long time. When I reach goal, I will have lost a nephew. I couldn’t possibly imagine carrying him around all day long, but that’s what I was doing last year. It sure is encouraging when you get such a physical indicator of how much weight you’ve lost.

I’m not going to let this gain get me down. I have no one to blame but myself. Just like when I reach goal, I’ll have only myself to thank. People encouraged me and motivated me along the way, but ultimately I decided what to put in my mouth. So look back here on August 10th. That will be the day after my goal weight weigh in!

Another 2 pound loss!
Jul 19th, 2001 by Anna

Wow! Another 2 pound loss! I am so siked! I’m just 1.5 pounds from goal. I can do it in a week, I know. But next Thursday I’ll be at Sea World (earning some activity points, no doubt) so I’ll miss my meeting. 😕 I’ll see if I can go on Saturday morning, instead, but I’m not sure I want to reach goal at another meeting, you know? My husband suggested I don’t shoot for the 1.5 pound loss. Does that mean eating high in my point range? Well, I’ve been doing that anyway. I know he doesn’t mean blowing a day or two, because my history shows I have a hard time picking myself back up. He was kidding, really. Oh hey now… I just noticed… I could consider myself at goal already! WW would have let me set my goal at 144 and I’m at 143.5! My official goal is 142 though, and I’m sticking to it.I feel so GOOD! I need to find something that weighs 73 pounds and see if I can lift it. That’s a LOT of weight!!

Hopefully out of my slump…
Jul 11th, 2001 by Anna

Okay, I think I’m out of my slump. I have been on program for several days in a row now. I’m finding it easier to stick to my measly 18 points. I’m not allowing myself to bank any until the week is up to kind of make up for my horrible splurges. But if I do reach maximum, I don’t fret over that either.

The other day, Jonathan and I went over to my mother’s house. On the table she had a box of chocolates. Jonathan and I decided to snitch some. Well, I instantly reached for the square shaped lighter chocolate which I knew was caramel. And I pretty well scarffed that piece. Then I noticed two little pieces in one spot and read on the top that they were some crunch something or other. So I thought I’d have one of the two. Jonathan stopped me. He was very insistent that I didn’t need to eat that second piece. I’d already eaten a piece. So, after pouting and complaining, I didn’t eat it. But I felt so incredibly deprived… it felt so unfair to me that I couldn’t have that second piece. I hated that other people could have two pieces and not have to worry what it would do to their figures. It took several hours later for me to realize that Jonathan didn’t have a second piece either. He slowly ate his chosen piece and was satisfied with it. I realized I’m still thinking like a fat girl. More is still better. I don’t take the time to enjoy what I do eat and like. When I can’t have more, I think it’s unfair. Our Weight Watchers meeting last Thursday was about modeling our behaviors after thin people. I’m a lot thinner than I used to be, but really I’m a fat girl hiding in this body. This is what has gone wrong for the last several weeks where I’ve been blowing it. I’m thinking like that fat girl. It feels unfair that I only have 18 points to work with. It feels unfair that other people are eating steak and I’m eating fish. It feels unfair that my toast is ‘buttered’ with fat free spray and Jonathan’s is dripping with rich yellow. I realize now I need to stop dwelling on what’s fair. I need to eat to live, not live to eat. I can indulge, but I need to enjoy those indulgences and realize a PIECE of a pie is indulgence enough – I don’t need the whole pie with a scoop of ice cream to boot. So I’m going to start working on my thoughts now. I’m tired of being the fat girl. That fat girl can get OUT of this body now because she just doesn’t fit!

Another Bust…
Jul 5th, 2001 by Anna

The Fourth of July was another bust. I’m not looking forward to tonight’s weigh in. If this morning’s daily weigh in is any indication, I’m going to have the biggest gain I’ve ever had – ever – in my life. Certainly in a week’s time. This is frustrating, but I know it’s my fault. I’m eating out of control. I’m feeling my old habits creep back into my life. I’m eating when no one can see me, I’m not marking everything in my journal. I’m making excuses for what’s okay. I feel like I’m in a downward spiral. I had a measly five pounds to goal and I’ve sabotaged my own weight loss. I hope tonight’s meeting provides some inspiration…

Jul 3rd, 2001 by Anna

So much for back on track yesterday. What was I thinking going to Double Dave’s Pizzaworks for dinner?! Dangit. I didn’t blow it too bad, but I blew it again. I’m so not looking forward to Thursday’s weigh in. Today is going fairly well, though. And for dinner we’re having Chinese food – chicken & broccoli with no sauce so I’m not too worried about blowing it again.

Back on track!
Jul 2nd, 2001 by Anna

Okay, I think I’m getting back on track. Yesterday I was able to bank four points and I didn’t feel hungry or starved and I didn’t feel deprived. I even manged to make a lunch for my husband that I was not having at all. I feel better today just knowing I have four points from yesterday, but I won’t have to use them. I’m doing good. I’m pleasantly satisfied and I’ve only had 8 points on the day. Whew! I just have to keep this up. We’re having a barbeque at our house for the 4th of July. That might be a challenge for me since I’ll be serving stuff that I won’t be eating. I will, at least, have fat free hotdogs and veggie burgers with all the fatty stuff so I’ll be able to eat and not be forced to just nibble like I was this past weekend. That will make a difference, I know. My daily weigh in showed a nice loss, but it was enough that I know better than to expect that tomorrow. Still, it was nice to be rewarded for the hard work.

An undeserving loss.
Jul 1st, 2001 by Anna

I lost a very undeserving pound on my weigh in. You’d think I’d get in gear after being given that loss. I sure didn’t earn it. But no, for the first time since January 1, I went off program… like three times! ARRGGHHH!! This weekend was the worst. Jonathan’s grandmother died so we drove to Longview for the viewing and the funeral. Of course there was tons of food because everyone sends food when someone dies. There was very little that I felt was worth the points to eat, but I had to eat. There was this great chicken casserole that was just dripping with cheese. Couldn’t have very much of that. There were tons of mini sandwiches but they all had mayo. I could take off the cheese, but the mayo was a little difficult. And the bread, I know it was like 2 pts a slice. There was salad, which I ate. Oh and the desserts! Geez. This is really the first time on Weight Watchers that I truly felt deprived. I couldn’t make myself a decent sandwich because there was no low point bread.To eat the ready made sandwiches was to waste my points. I sat there staring at everyone eating away. It totally bummed me out. So I told myself I could eat the squash casserole and not count any points for it. I have no idea other than squash and onions what was in it, but I had a TON of it. I ended up having two quarter sandwiches and counting them as 3 pts each. I ate lots of pickle spears. I started off trying to be good, and really the first evening I probably only blew my points by a couple. But the next day, Saturday, it was like I was a bottomless pit. I ate more squash casserole, but I also ate a couple of forkfuls of chocolate custard pie, and a small slice of pound cake. And I shared Meghan’s cinnamon flavored goldfish. I could have done much worse, I know, and I shouldn’t beat myself up over it. I was smart about one thing, at least. Staring at everyone eating guilt free really bothered me, and I had to allow myself to indulge a little. I told myself I could blow my points. In doing so, I didn’t blow them badly. I ate small bits of things I really, really wanted, but I loaded up on the squash and the salad. I know that if I didn’t consciously tell myself I could blow my points this day and start over the next, I would have starting binge eating. I would have snuck in later and eaten a whole piece of pie, and another not-so-slim piece of pound cake. So I did right by that, at least. I’m just having such a hard time with this particular drop in points. And I guess being less than 5 pounds from goal… it really makes it harder for me. If I can just buckle down, though, and work through this – stick to my new lower point range – I’ll be at goal and I’ll get a point or two back for maintenance anyway. I gotta just keep moving my feet….

Enough rambling for now…

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